Tasting Dirt: When You're Disappointed With Godনমুনা

Does God Love Me?

I fell in love with God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit because I experienced his love for me. Yet, years later, in the wake of my disappointment and suffering, Satan was still trying to convince me that God could not really love me. I could not be worth such commitment, such sacrifice, such value. 

Several months after the miscarriage I came across these verses during my daily Bible study:

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:22-25).

Jesus said anything I ask for, I will have. A new wave of doubt swamped me. What about my baby, God? I know it is not that I did not believe enough. I asked and believed, but it seems like You said “no”. How do I reconcile that with the way You’ve answered my past prayers for a reason to live? How can I be sure You still love me?

God does not always love me the way I want to be loved. I know that sounds weird and scary, but it is actually a good thing because sometimes the “love” I think I want is not love at all. There have been times I wanted my husband to be angry at me, to yell at me, to hurt me. Sin has messed everything up, including us, to a level we often fail to realize. I want things I should not want. I want things I know are bad for me. I desire and pursue things that hurt me. Sometimes I want to be hurt because it is more familiar than growing. It is somehow more comfortable to suffer than to move into unknown territory, so I seek suffering. Sometimes I cause it. I did the same thing as a teenager when I cut myself. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to make my physical self match my wounded emotional and spiritual self. Pain was my identity. 

I was doing the same thing after the miscarriage by questioning God’s love, trying to cause myself more pain. I set myself up for it because the hurt was familiar. It was easy to go back to, easy to stay there – easier, anyway, than growing into newness. 

God gives us His presence. He gives us Himself. We can expect Him to show up for us. When the circumstances do not make sense, “God, do you still love me?” is the wrong question to ask. It is spiritual self-harm for the purpose of living an identity of pain. “God, how are You loving me right now? I’m having trouble seeing the evidence of Your presence. Where is it?” are the questions that help us take responsibility for our expectations and move toward letting God love us perfectly. Just like I missed the fact (for years!) that meeting my husband was God’s answer to my prayer, maybe we’re missing what God is doing because our expectations need adjusting.

We can expect God to give us gifts that demonstrate His love. Gifts upon gifts upon gifts! 

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17 NIV). 

God gives us gifts because He loves us, and His love does not change. The first gift He gives is Himself, and as if that weren’t enough, or maybe because He knows that in the deepest dark it doesn’t feel like enough, He gives us uncountable moments of light, love, beauty and goodness. All those gifts can restore our hope and relationship with Him if we choose to see them.

Reflection: Have you been living like your identity is your pain? List at least three gifts from God in your life as evidence of your identity as loved by God.