Tasting Dirt: When You're Disappointed With Godনমুনা

Disappointment

My spouse stood outside the bathroom door and asked me, “Are you ok?” We were supposed to be leaving to take our son to vacation Bible school. 

“I think ... I definitely ... just lost the baby,” I said. 

I was numb for the moment. Well, I did not lose it. It is right here in front of me, I thought to myself. 

My brain’s response to this traumatic delivery threatened to derail all my higher cognitive functions while emphasizing the strangest details. Time felt like it had slowed down. It felt like an hour had passed, but I am sure it was just a moment before my husband asked, “Can I come in, Please?” 

I switched into protection mode as if I could somehow handle this better by focusing on taking care of everyone other than myself. “It’s ... I mean ... there is a lot of blood, so if you don’t want to see that then, just give me a few minutes to clean up.” 

“I just want to be with you. Please, can I come in?” I hesitated at the thought of my spouse seeing me sitting on the toilet. Immediately, I was annoyed with myself for thinking something like that mattered right now. I mumbled, “Yeah.” He came in and knelt in front of me. I saw his tears. He cupped my hands, which still held our baby in his, and I was undone and completely overwhelmed by the hurt, loss, fear, anger, and desperation. I was lost in my emotions, drowning in my disappointment.  

Disappointment is the emotion we feel when we realize that something we believed to be true is untrue. It is a specific kind of hurt. Disappointment is unexpected because its primary cause is our unmet expectations, resulting in an emotional upheaval similar to whiplash. Suddenly not getting what we planned on raises questions in our hearts. Why? How? Who is responsible for this? It’s like lifting the fork to our mouths expecting cake, but tasting dirt instead!

There are no easy answers to the questions disappointment asks, especially when our first conclusion is that God himself is responsible for the pain. I am not the first person to be disappointed with God, or to wrestle with these questions, or to try to rinse away the grime left by the landslide of emotions disappointment dumps on us. You have felt this too. 

So, would you like to come with me? We can figure this out together. We will talk about those hard questions, and we are going to be brave, honest, and vulnerable until we hash out a way to move forward through the dirt. 

Before we get started, though, there is something I would like you to do: Write down your story of disappointment. Please do it. If you want someone to read it, you can send it to me after completing this plan. I would be honored by the privilege of knowing your story! I am serious. After all, you just read mine. So, if it helps you to think about it this way, I owe you one. Our stories are important, and it is also essential for someone to know our stories. 

Is hope rising up in you? Consider sharing this plan with someone grieving or doubting God’s goodness this season. Be blessed and be a blessing.