Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Loveনমুনা

COMMUNICATE 

Touch is my main love language. It gives me a strong sense of connection to Charity, so the more, the better. Of course, sexual touch is great, but even her rubbing my back or running her fingers through my hair was something I really wanted when we were relaxing together. 

During the day, she would always rub my back, hold my hand, or pull me close, but at night, it felt like she was sort of avoiding me. We would do our nighttime rituals of teeth-brushing and face-washing, maybe have a “married tickle fight,” and, of course, Charity’s favorite thing: pillow talk. But when it was time to wind down, all I wanted was for her to be close and touch me. 

I thought that if I rubbed her back and shoulders while she was lying there beside me, it would give her the idea this was something I wanted quid pro quo. But once I turned over with my back to her, she stayed put and fell blissfully asleep. I was giving her what I wanted, expecting her to reciprocate in the same fashion intuitively. My unspoken expectation was going unmet. With my guy friends, if someone helps me with a project, it makes me want to help them with a project; if they pick up the check at one our hang times, it makes me want to pick up the check at the next. 

I thought Charity knew the code: “What I do for you, I would like done for me in return.” Nope. She did not. Not her fault. It took some time before I told her how I felt. 

One night, when my need for touch went from desire to full-on got-to-have-it, I spoke up and said, “Will you rub my back after I rub yours?” To my surprise, it worked. She rubbed my back. She asked me if this was something I wanted more often. “Ummm, yes please.”

She told me she honestly hadn’t thought about rubbing my back in bed before. She wasn’t withholding something she knew I needed; she simply didn’t know I needed it. Needless to say, many back rubs later, I’m glad I communicated what I needed to her so I could reap the benefits of us having an even deeper connection emotionally and physically.