SAFEGUARD #3
HEALTHY & HONEST COMMUNICATION

At the beginning of our marriage, I made a commitment and decision that I’m not even sure I understood the power of at the time. I decided that no matter what we faced, I would “go there” in conversations, even if it was uncomfortable. This meant that if I needed, I’d rather go sleep on the couch because we were in a fight rather than ignore the elephant in the room. Thankfully, through all the difficult moments in our marriage, Katie has never tried to send me to the couch, at least not yet! Well, except maybe from my snoring (pray for her). There were many times in the early years when we hadn’t resolved something before bed, and I was going to sleep, and my wife couldn’t sleep and would head out to the couch. In those moments, I’d either decide to enjoy more room in the bed or do the hard work of getting out of bed and going to work it out together. If you can maintain open lines of communication together, there’s nothing that you cannot conquer together. The key here is that no matter what you face, KEEP TALKING!

Communication Styles

What was the communication style in your home? Make sure you take the time to understand how each of you learned to connect. It doesn't mean that it was automatically right or wrong; it’s just that we need to understand where each other is coming from. For me, our family fostered a strong culture of sharing our thoughts (maybe too freely, haha) and emotions, so in marriage, I would want to go right after the conversations that mattered or confront the tension in the room, but Katie grew up with more of a “sweep it under the rug” approach to difficult conversations. So, much of the beginning of our marriage was me trying to figure out what Katie was actually feeling. There were a lot of “I’m Fine” statements, which, if you’re new to marriage, “I’m fine” is code for “Everything is NOT fine.” Now, even though my family did more communication, I also discovered I’m more instinctively a surface-level communicator, and my wife loves going deeper in connection. I am a much better friend, husband, father, and pastor because of learning from my wife to engage in relationships. We can all improve on connecting with each other and growing in our communication.

Here's an important note, have grace for each other’s communication styles. Even though we needed to work on being more effective at communication, I find communication is also personality-driven. I am more of a verbal processor, and she wants to think about it and process it before we talk. As time has gone on, she’s learned to deal with the conflicts in our marriage quickly, and I’ve learned to relax and allow her to have a moment to chill and process before we reconnect. So, fight the urge to label your spouse’s communication as wrong because it’s different from yours.

Dates and Coffee Meetings

A couple of ways to help fix communication breakdowns is by consistently dating. You don’t need to be religiously tied to a date night, acting as if your marriage will fail if you don’t have your weekly date night, but if it’s not intentional and planned, it might often never happen. So, put it on the calendar and get consistent and intentional with dating your spouse.

Another great way to help your date nights be more fun and romantic is to create another space for communication that we’ll call a coffee date or coffee meeting. Our friends and pastors, Dr. Matt and Mikala Hubbard, showed us this. It’s a weekly touchpoint to review schedules, family, goals, budget, and other vital things. It’s not a date; it’s a meeting, but it also helps to add to your quality time. When you do this family meeting, you’ll consistently deal with the important issues of life, and then your dates won’t have to be a burst of emotions because you haven’t talked about the budget or future or kids. These coffee meetings will also help your family continue to move forward with your goals and vision.