SAFEGUARD #11
FORGIVING…AGAIN

This is going to be a big one. Every healthy marriage that goes the distance has learned how to create a culture of grace and forgiveness in their home. To think that we’d be able to go through our marriage without needing to forgive would be very naïve; I’m sure no one reading this plan would assume that. Having said that, most of the time, we’re not truly ready for the lifestyle of forgiveness needed in healthy relationships, specifically in marriage. The challenge with unforgiveness is that its subtle, little offenses build up and harm us over time. Before you know it, there’s a forest of pain blocking the sunlight that used to be giving your marriage life. Unforgiveness and resentment will choke out the life in your marriage. For Katie and I, we had to really work on a lot of this at the beginning of our marriage. For my wife, acknowledging her faults and asking for forgiveness wasn’t instinctive to how she was raised. It was a learning process to engage both her and my issues with grace. It was less about her being so focused on wanting to attack my issues as it was more of an insecurity about getting honest and transparent. Her default was to see her own issues as a reason that I would reject her. Trust had to be built so she could be vulnerable with her issues, knowing that I would meet them with grace and, in the same way, she was learning to extend grace towards my issues. I also had to learn how to extend grace when an expectation went unfulfilled as we were learning to communicate better and connect.

The Source of Forgiveness

If you’re not a follower of Jesus, it will be more challenging to walk out grace and forgiveness for your spouse. Why do I say that? Because Jesus did something on the cross for us that was unthinkable. The Bible says that while we were still sinners, he died for us. Before we deserved it and before we earned it, God extended forgiveness and mercy to us. It’s a no strings attached type of grace, and he calls us to extend the same grace to each other. Because God has forgiven you, there’s nothing anyone could do to you that you shouldn’t forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we ignore realities. For example, suppose you’re dealing with addictions; you may extend grace, but it’s wise to require them to prove by their actions that they’ve changed before you trust them again. And there are times, unfortunately, for safety, one spouse may need to leave the marriage. But, most of the time, all the challenges our marriage comes against can be helped and healed by forgiveness. So if you have a hard time letting go of something your husband or wife did, then begin by going to Jesus and asking for strength and a reminder of his grace toward you.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7