Achieving Awesome Communication in MarriageIsampula

Communication Breakdown #1: Assumptions

At Awesome Marriage, I have the pleasure of chatting with hundreds of couples who are striving to build an awesome marriage. Communication is most couples’ number one issue because many issues stem from communication. In my experience, I have seen four common communication breakdowns. For the last four days of this Bible reading plan, I want to share those with you and give you some tools rooted in Scripture to help you overcome them in your own marriage.

One of the biggest fights my husband and I ever had was because he asked me to look at a map. You read that right. I was furious with him because he asked me to pull out a map and look at it.

We were lost trying to get to an out-of-town wedding, and we really didn’t want to be late. Neither of us could figure out what we were doing wrong with our directions, and our GPS wasn’t working. We were both flustered and frustrated when he asked me to pull out the map from the glove compartment. I became irate with him! I was irate because I thought he was kidding and this was no time for a joke. You see, I didn’t know how to read a map! I’d never had to do it. I thought he was joking around and was furious at him for not taking this seriously. Things escalated from there because he was bewildered at the fact that I truly did not know how to read a map.

You see, I assumed. I assumed he was joking when he was suggesting something sincere. He assumed I was capable of reading a map, which in hindsight was a reasonable thought. But he was sadly mistaken.

Though this is a lighthearted example, we are all guilty of much more complicated and hurtful assumptions.

Assumptions are a major communication breakdown. Often the assumptions we make about each other are harsh and untrue. We love to assume the best about ourselves and the worst about others. We judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our best intentions. Assuming things about your spouse will set you up for miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Challenge: Invite the Holy Spirit to convict you of any unfair assumptions you’ve been making about your spouse. Today think and pray about all the negative assumptions you make about your spouse on any given day.

Write your assumptions down. At the end of the day confess them to your spouse. Let them know you want to do better and that moving forward, you want to start assuming the best about them.

Clarifying questions can be a great tool to overcome assumptions. Ask questions like: “Why did you do that?”, “Help me understand”, “Here is what I hear you saying (insert what you think they are saying). Is that what you’re trying to say? I want to understand.”

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

What negative assumptions do you make about your spouse?

Are these fair assumptions? Why do you think you assume these things? Specifically think about assumptions you might make when you are angry with your spouse, in conflict with them, or when something doesn’t go your way.

Do you generally assume the best about your spouse? Why or why not?

How can you grow to assume the best in your spouse?