Love in Every SeasonIsampula

Day 5: Winter Is The Season of Apathy

There’s a type of frost that happens in relationships, a cooling that comes in quietly; unannounced—like a thief in the night. It has the power to kill as it slowly sweeps in, sending invisible shock waves into our hearts and into our relationships. It is the frost of apathy, and it is one of the quietest and most dangerous intruders. 

Every relationship goes through a season when the heightened emotions of spring and the passion of summer begin to cool off in the reality of everyday life. Despite what they try to get you to believe in Hollywood, the majority of life isn’t actually romantic at all. Most of the interactions you will have in your relationship have very little to do with romance and sexual chemistry, and very much to do with the day-in, day-out process of real life. 

Romance in a relationship isn’t just about making out, planning special dates, writing elaborate notes, and buying chocolates and roses—it’s also about making the bed, planning the weekly dinner menu, writing out the list of things that need to be done this week, and buying new lightbulbs at Home Depot.

Passion in a relationship isn’t just displayed with grand gestures of affection—it is also displayed in loading the dishwasher, running a load of laundry, getting the oil changed in the car and remembering to pay the bills. 

Chemistry might be about emotions, but commitment—long term commitment—is about actions. True love is fully displayed in the day-in, day-out actions of everyday life. There is a deep intimacy that comes within the framework of the normalcy of life and doing life together. But, if we are not careful, the deep comforts of doing life together can quietly morph into apathy. 

As with all the other seasons of a relationship, there’s no exact time frame for when a couple will reach the frost of winter. But for the majority of couples, it happens when they’ve been together for a few years. The higher the level of comfort, the more likely that the frost of winter will find its way in to the relationship. 

Many married couples experience this at some point in their relationship. There’s nothing majorly disturbing in their relationship, but then again, there’s nothing majorly exciting either. Their relationship has gone from fiery to functional, and their daily interactions have less to do with love and more to do with living. They feel caught in apathy, going through the motions of a relationship without actually engaging in the relationship. 

For some couples, the sting of apathy goes unnoticed for quite some time. They can go on for months or years without ever realizing that they are experiencing a lack of connection, affection, and enthusiasm in their relationship. They do not even realize that their relationship has taken a backseat. They may spend the evenings sitting in the same room but hardly interacting. For others, the frostbite of apathy stings harder, and they find themselves completely aware that they are going through the motions of a relationship with feelings of discouragement, loneliness, and despair. They feel indifferent and detached. They find themselves disconnected from their partner and they are not sure how to solve the problem, because they don’t know exactly what the problem is.

 So how does a couple deal with the frost of winter? And if it is something that every couple will likely experience at some point, how can a couple be sure to get through the frost together rather than allowing it to become the norm?  

First, we need to know that a healthy relationship is not something we find, it's something we have to make. 1 Corinthians 13 gives us a list of action steps for love, because love comes down to what we do - not how we feel. One action at a time that leads the warming of emotions, and makes way for spring to come again. 

Here are some suggestions: 

1. Identify the root cause of the issue. 

2. Discuss the Problem.

3. Come up with a plan of action.

If you feel stuck in the season of winter, please remember that spring can come again. Taking action in Winter is what makes a way for Spring. It's important to use the time of Winter in a relationship to identify the things you need to change and take steps toward to bringing warmth to your relationship again. 

What can you do to begin the process today?  

If you enjoyed the Love In Every Season reading plan, visit TrueLoveDates.com to connect with Debra, learn more about the book, and sign up for free articles, podcasts, and relationship resources for every relationship status. 

*If you're feeling stuck and struggling to move past the season of winter, consider consulting a licensed professional counselor to help you move forward on your journey of healing.