Cracking the Communication Code

The inability to discuss our differences in communication will lead to dysfunction in our communication.

However, there is work in deciphering a communication style, and usually a style is modeled after what a person has known or experienced. In my family, the communication style modeled was mostly that you don’t communicate—that your voice doesn’t need to be heard or your feelings expressed. In Jimmy’s family, feelings were felt, heard, and yelled—the style was loud in every sense of the word! This made deciphering our very different sources difficult. Whereas he would yell, I had a tendency to curl up in my closet and cry alone. Neither was necessarily helpful or constructive. Neither was getting us closer to cracking the code. So what do you do?

In a word: listen.

Let me ask you: Have you found yourself overwhelmed by the task of listening? Has it started to feel like a chore? Does it seem that the everyday, mundane topics are suddenly all you’re discussing with your spouse? Has boredom set in, and you can start comparing your conversations to what you see on TV or in movies?

First off, the perfect marriage doesn’t exist. Hollywood may try to convince us that it does, but that is only because “happily ever after” sells much better than “they worked really hard.” Every marriage, no matter how healthy it is, is still between two humans—two imperfect people. Even when those two people are deeply in love, they are still going to get on each other’s nerves. Everyone has annoying habits and boring information that is necessary to communicate throughout the normal course of a week: We’re out of milk. The child has a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. We need to change the AC filter. And so on. None of these things is a sparkling conversation, but if they are not communicated, it could lead to an issue later.

Not only is mundane conversation sometimes necessary, but it can also give us clues to help us decipher our spouse’s code. The things that preoccupy us are often indicative of needs that weren’t met in our childhoods.

Additionally, listening to the mundane is like making a deposit. When I ask Jimmy to clear the empty water glasses off his nightstand, and I find them in the sink later, I feel heard. It was a silly annoyance, a small request in relation to the big picture, but when someone you love cares about something simply because you care about it, it builds trust. It shows that they are on your side; not only are you heard, but your concerns, no matter how small, are valuable simply because they concern you. And that deposit doesn’t go unnoticed—trust accumulates and creates that safe place where your spouse can confide. The little things are a way to build toward the bigger things.

I like to think of it as a house. Picture your marriage as a building, with a foundation, walls, and a roof. The structure may be incredibly well built, but no matter how good of a shape it’s in, it’s not perfect. Every building has cracks that require some upkeep. The same is true for marriage. Even the strongest, most compatible couples will get some cracks along the way. It’s not a matter of it; it’s a matter of when.

Respond

• Describe a time when you and your spouse had difficulty communicating.
• How did you each respond? What was the outcome?

Prayer

God, thank You for my relationship with my spouse. Keep us sensitive to each other and the way we communicate. We want this relationship centered on You, seeking You in all things.