Strengths Based Marriage预览

After coaching and counseling thousands of people, I can confidently say that I have found a massive, gaping hole in society. It is around affirmation. By my estimation, it is holistically missing in the world today. Sure, we encourage one another and say thank you; but clean, accurate affirmation is so rare that when it happens to a person, it virtually creates an addict.

Let's take a deeper look at this problem by understanding the difference between praise and affirmation.

Praise has everything to do with what you do.

Affirmation has everything to do with who you are.

Clearly these two ideas are not the same and need to be treated differently. . . .

Praise is what we offer someone who does a good job...

Praise is a direct response to the actions of an individual... Praise has an encouraging effect and makes us feel good. It helps to be recognized for what we’ve done, and gives us a little bit of a high for a few minutes.

Affirmation, on the other hand, has everything to do with who we are.

Because affirmation is about identity, it has certain requirements. In order to affirm me, you actually have to know me. I mean really know me. Your attempt to affirm me has to be accurate, true, and right. If it’s off by even one degree, then the affirmation attempt simply falls to the ground. It doesn’t work or stick if you use inaccurate information. If you really knew me, you would get the affirmation right; but if you don’t, then even a close-but-not-spot-on affirmation can result in the reverse of what you were probably hoping for. . . . Imprecise affirmations leave me feeling suspicious of your motives, and I don’t know if I can trust you.

In a marriage context, this is huge.

Praise has its place in every marriage because it honors the spouse for effort and recognizes work that is done. It can transfer thankfulness—an important trait in a healthy marriage—and display gratitude, which is another important component. However, its usefulness ends with acknowledging action; it has no power to recognize uniqueness. Praise cannot say to your spouse: I see you. On the other hand, affirmation can and will say: I see you. There is no way to truly affirm someone without his or her feeling seen and understood.