How to Deal When Your Spouse Doesn’t Understand YouНамуна

Today’s scripture is not helpful if you use it to smack your spouse over the head with their shortcomings and demand they do their part. It’s also not helpful to saddle our marriages with the ways we have seen this scripture interpreted poorly. This passage is helpful for each of us when we take it to heart in obedience to the Lord.

This passage also reveals that husbands and wives are not created the same. We have different wants, needs, and are given different instructions. It follows that we will perceive life’s events differently. This is something we can take to the Lord, asking for his help and insight, rather than simmering over hurt feelings and anger.

In times when your differences seem magnified, and you feel disconnected, it’s important to take a step back and allow the Holy Spirit to help you navigate the next steps. Take a breath. Don’t take it personally. Try again to communicate more clearly. Ask questions like “What are you hearing me say?” “Can you give me time just to share without fixing it?” or “What do you need from me right now?”

Often, our spouse wants to hurry up and solve the problem instead of understanding our own need to verbalize our feelings. This is a point of frustration pretty much every couple deals with at some point! When you're in the middle of it, it can be easy to vilify your spouse and assume they’re in the wrong. Instead, take some time to step back and let God show you more clearly. Ask yourself: Did I ask for what I want and need right now? Or did I just expect they would know to provide it? It’s possible this can be solved by simply asking for what you need.

Does your spouse know what you want and need from them right now? They can’t know unless you have made it clear.

Our spouse might not notice when we feel this way. It’s not their job to read our minds.

Our spouse might not be bothered by things that bother us. They are entitled to their own experience and perspective.

Since Jesus was perfect and still had to deal with feeling misunderstood, we can be certain we will face this, too.

Learning humility, not personalizing these feelings, and becoming curious rather than lashing out when we are hurt will all help us to follow Paul’s instructions in today’s passage. Look to serve the Lord by doing your part well instead of ensuring that your spouse does theirs, and see how that impacts your marriage.

Prayer: Lord, help me to be humble. Help me not to assume my way is the only way or the best. Help me to be a true companion to my spouse, to accept that we are different by your design, and to be gracious with those differences.