How to Deal When Your Spouse Doesn’t Understand YouНамуна

The marriage relationship unites two innately different beings into “one flesh.” Each of us feels different things, sees the world through our own lens, and values different forms of communication and investment. This can leave both spouses feeling misunderstood, especially if we allow our emotions to take control rather than God’s truth.

What’s beautiful is seeing God use all of our differences to create a marriage that is a safe place for us to grow. It’s beautiful that God’s love can be evident in the way we make room for each other’s differences and give grace when it’s hard.

Though being misunderstood doesn’t feel good, and it’s not what I hoped for in marriage, when we look at the life of Jesus, we see that even in his divine perfection, he was often misunderstood.

We see the disciples’ confusion in John 4 when Jesus said he had food they didn't know about. You can just sense the disciples quizzically looking at one another, asking, “Who gave him food?” But he was referring not to bread or fish but to the purpose God had sent him to accomplish. They didn’t understand. Similarly, the disciples rebuked those who were bringing little children to Jesus. I imagine they thought he was too busy for the children, but Jesus disagreed. “He was indignant,” the Scripture says, and he corrected them, saying, “let the little children come to me.” Though they were following Jesus, learning from him, they didn’t fully understand his purpose.

In John 13, as Jesus was preparing to go to the cross (another thing the disciples really didn’t understand, by the way - as seen in Matthew 16:21-23), he washed each of the disciples’ feet in a demonstration of servant love. Peter stopped Jesus on the spot to say, no, my teacher should not be the one washing my feet. It was breaking with all customs for the Rabbi to take on such a lowly task. Peter didn’t understand what Jesus was doing. Even when Jesus explained, Peter still misunderstood, swinging all the way from “don’t wash my feet” to “ok, then wash all of me!”

The people closest to Jesus, the ones who heard His teaching and witnessed His power firsthand were also the very same people who didn’t realize His truth until after it was finished on the cross. They ate with him, camped with him, walked on the water with him and yet still misunderstood him frequently.

We can’t claim that all the misunderstanding in our marriage is from having a heavenly agenda, as Jesus did, but we can know that if Jesus, being without sin, was taken out of context and misunderstood by those closest to him, then we in our broken and sinful lives will at times feel misunderstood, isolated and left out. Even our marriages.

Today, take heart that even if you feel this way, you are not alone in the feeling. Your marriage isn’t beyond repair.

Prayer: Thank you, God, that you are a good and loving Father who fully knows, loves, and accepts me. I pray you will help me look to you for fulfillment. Let me learn to be satisfied in you, as Jesus was satisfied to do your will and to love others well without placing unfair expectations on them.