Living Arrangements

Housing decisions set the tone for a new family’s future. When we started counseling remarried couples, we suggested they begin their life together by moving to a neutral location. After years of listening to blended families share their experiences, we now definitively recommend that remarried couples move into a home that’s new to everyone. This may not be the most logical decision from a financial perspective, but it’s the best solution in so many other ways.

Where a family chooses to live can be a positive, adventurous experience. But if a couple chooses to stay in one of their present homes and the new spouse moves into that home (especially with children), the potential for conflict is dangerously high. That’s why we suggest couples avoid “land mines.” A home filled with memories and nostalgia is arguably the most explosive land mine. Read on to hear two of our client’s experiences.

“When we got married, we moved into Dave’s house because it was much bigger than my house. We agreed to redo the house to make it feel more like ‘our’ house, but we argued about how to incorporate my things with his things. Whenever his children expressed dismay at my changing anything from the way their mother had it, Dave refused to make the changes. I couldn’t even paint a room a different color, let alone move furniture. I became angry and resentful toward both Dave and his kids.”

“When my brother and I moved into Catherine’s home with our dad, I was still dealing with my parent’s divorce—and not well, I might add. I had lost my home, my room, my neighborhood, and my school. Catherine and her children made it clear that it was ‘their’ house. They had their way of doing things, and there were a million unspoken expectations for us. Catherine was always upset with my brother and me and also our dad because we were not doing things her way. It seemed to us that her kids got all the privileges, and we were just there to do the chores. I resented her and lost all respect for my dad for not standing up for us.”

Talk with your partner about living arrangements that consider everyone’s sense of belonging. If you are not yet living together, discuss how you can start a home in a space that’s new to everyone. If you are already living in a home that previously belonged to one of you, it's time to have a serious discussion about moving into a new home.

Although housing may seem like a basic need, it’s important to understand its significance. Know with confidence that with God’s help, you will find the best solution for everyone.