4 Ways to Fight Fair in MarriageНамуна

Set Ground Rules

My husband loves board games because he loves competition. When people find a new board game, they often want to come over and play it with us. If we get the opportunity to read the rules of the game, it’s usually quite fun. But we all have different gifts, and not everyone is great at explaining the rules of a game. When that happens, it can suck the fun out of playing.

If you’ve ever attempted to play a new game after being given poor instructions, you know how frustrating and chaotic it can be. “Wait, what’s the objective? What are the rules? Why can you do that? How do I do this?”

It’s chaotic and confusing. And no one really knows how to get from point A to point B.

Fighting in marriage can be like that too if you don’t have some ground rules. There are healthy ways to fight and unhealthy ways to fight. But if we’ve never been taught those healthy ways, we don’t know the rules. We can’t execute what we do not know.

God is a God of order. Just look at creation and see how detailed and well-constructed it is. God also gives us helpful instructions on how to live peacefully with each other in his Word.

I think it’s wise to set some peaceful ground rules for your marriage to have and hold to when you disagree. This will help you disagree in a way that still honors and serves each other, as God wants us to.

There are some standard ways to be kind and work towards peace and reconciliation that will apply to all couples. We go to God’s Word for what this looks like.

Here are some examples of basic ground rules for peacemaking during disagreements:

• No yelling, foul language, or name-calling. (Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 3:8)
• No lying or exaggerating. This means not saying, “you always” and “you never.” These exaggerations aren’t helpful or truthful and put your spouse on the defensive. (Proverbs 25:18)
• Stay on topic. No bringing up past unrelated issues. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5; Philippians 3:13-14)
• Allow for “time outs” (where you take a break from the discussion) when things are getting heated before one of you loses your cool. If either one of you calls a “time out,” both of you respect that. (Psalm 37:8)
• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt each other. (Proverbs 1:5)
• Listen well. (James 1:19)
• Take a break to pray together when it seems like you aren’t getting anywhere. (Psalm 32:6)
• Don’t threaten divorce. (Matthew 19:6)

Additionally, every couple is a little different, and we bring our own baggage to the table. I recommend having a few personalized ground rules based on your specific background, needs, and history with each other.

Here are a few examples of rules specific to Dylan and myself:

• When I ask for a time out, I leave the room, and he can’t follow me. I need physical space when I ask for a time out in order to feel safe and be able to process and calm down.
• We don’t say, “must be nice” to each other. This phrase created a lot of tension when we got into a bad pattern of using it for several years. We used it out of jealousy against each other causing the other to feel devalued and putting us in competition with each other on whose life is harder. (By the way, that’s a terrible game to play!) It wasn’t fruitful in our marriage, and it had to go. My guess is there are some phrases in your marriage that also need to go.

Healthy ground rules will bring order to your disagreements.

When you or your spouse breaks a rule, apologize, forgive, and move forward. Neither of you will do this perfectly, and that’s okay. After you mess up, come back to the ground rules to strive for peace and unity in your home.

CHALLENGE

Discuss with your spouse what it means to fight fair. What ground rules do you need in your marriage when it comes to conflict? Decide on these ground rules, and write them down.

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

In what ways are you fighting unfairly or in an unhealthy manner? What issues or unhelpful habits do you bring to the fighting in your marriage? Pray and ask God to reveal these habits to you.

What do you need in order to feel safe sharing your needs and frustrations with your spouse? Is there a ground rule that would help with that?

Which of these standard ground rules do you want to implement?

Are there any additional ground rules that are specific to your marriage that you think would be helpful to add?

Are there any phrases we say to each other that need to go?