4 Ways to Fight Fair in MarriageНамуна

Remember Your Real Enemy

When we are in conflict with our spouse, our default is often to think of ourselves as being against our spouse. It’s my way versus their way. I’m right; therefore, they are wrong. I am in the right, and my spouse is just in the way.

Some of the best marriage advice I’ve ever received was given to me just six months into the marriage. Dylan and I were newlyweds trying to figure out conflict. We were fighting a lot and not developing any solutions. I invited an older, wiser woman to coffee and pleaded with her, “What do I do?!”

I explained to her all the ins and outs of our conflict: how stubborn Dylan was, how wrong he was, how impossible it was to get him to see my point of view, and how exhausting it was to argue with him. That’s when she hit me with it. She said, “Christina, you know Dylan isn’t your enemy, right?”

“Well yeah, of course, I know that,” I replied. She quickly and gently came back with, “It doesn’t sound like you do. You sound like you believe Dylan wants ill for you. Like he doesn’t care about you or have your best interest at heart. It sounds like you think it has to be his way or your way. And that if it’s his way, you are losing. It sounds like, you think he is your enemy.”

She was right. I was putting myself against Dylan as if he was my enemy and as if we were on opposite teams instead of the same team.

I had to remember that Dylan was not my enemy in order to resolve our conflict in a healthy way. When I would think of Dylan as my enemy, the fighting would escalate.

It’s impossible to de-escalate a fight until you recognize the other person isn’t out to get you.

Here’s the thing: you do have a real enemy. And it’s not your spouse! It’s satan. He does want ill for you, and he does not want you to work through conflict in your marriage in a healthy way. He loves toxic fighting. He loves it when you are against each other.

Pray for protection against this real enemy. Call his lies out. Pray for unity in your marriage and for you both to have the wisdom to work as a team peacefully.

The first way to fight fair is to remember your spouse is not your enemy. When you feel things escalating, remind yourself of that. Your spouse loves you. Your spouse cares about you and chose to spend the rest of their life with you. You and your spouse are on the same team.

It’s when you turn from facing each other in a fight to facing the problem together, side by side, that you can resolve conflict in a healthy way.

CHALLENGE

The next time a conflict comes up or you feel frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy. Say aloud, “My spouse is not my enemy. We are on the same team. We can learn to work through problems together.”

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

In what ways do you think of your spouse as against you? How can you change that?

Do you believe your spouse has your best interest at heart? Why or why not?

In a conflict, how can you operate more like a team?

The next time you are in a disagreement with each other, what can you do at the moment to remind each other you are on the same team?