Dating and the Single ParentНамуна

Best Practices for Dating Single Parents, Part 3

Here are more suggestions for wise single-parent dating.

Pace and Balance Your Dating

If you fall in love, don’t abandon your kids by spending all of your free time with your newfound love. It’s tempting, but doing so taps your child’s fears that they are losing you and gives the false impression to your dating partner that you are totally available to them. You’re not. Don’t lose your balance.

Most importantly, don’t replace Christ at the center of your life with your new love-interest. Luke 14:25-27 reminds us that compared to our love for him, we should “hate” other relationships.

If You Don’t Have Kids

Do your relationship a favor, encourage the single parent you are dating to “go home” without you and be with their kids every once in awhile. This has two benefits: (1) it helps lessen the fears of the children; and (2) it keeps perspective in your relationship. Might you feel a little left out and lonely? You bet. But let me be candid: if you can’t get used to giving them space from time to time, then you’ll be a jealous, miserable stepparent. You might as well learn to do this now.

Expect Hot/Cold Reactions

Liking a parent’s dating partner sometimes creates a loyalty problem for kids: They don’t know how to embrace everyone and not hurt feelings (especially the other biological parent). Because they are caught in a loyalty conflict, children sometimes warm up nicely to a dating partner and then turn cold. Sometimes they vacillate back and forth. Don’t panic or judge the children too harshly. Confusion comes with the territory. Relax and work with what they give you.

Learn All You Can About Stepfamily Living

Nearly twenty years of counseling, coaching, and training blended families has revealed to me this secret of successful blended family couples: They work harder at getting smarter about stepfamily living. Getting smarter means learning all you can about how stepfamilies function, operate best, and why they have the unique complexities that they do. You may know how to drive, but driving in snow and icy conditions requires a different knowledge and skill set. Nearly all blended families have inclement weather to manage as they drive (especially in the first few years), so adopt the attitude of a learner.

Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

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Ron Deal delivers a daily word of encouragement for those in stepfamilies and those who know via FamilyLife Blended's 60 second short feature. Listen Today