Thriving Through And After Infertility And LossНамуна

Permission to Doubt and Believe

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through my own infertility journey is what I call the complicated gray. It was through failed infertility treatments, the acceptance of a childfree not by choice life and the work of redefining my own happy ending that I learned that nothing is truly simple. As much as we try to put things into check boxes, the black and the white and the all or the nothing, life is simply too complicated for that.

What if instead we give ourselves permission to feel it all, even all at the same time?
Through this journey, and learning to thrive thereafter, I have realized that we must make the room to feel it all; the longing with the joy, the sadness with the happiness, the anger with the acceptance and the doubt with our trusting faith.

When we give ourselves permission to walk into the complicated gray, to live within the tension, we actually find our way; we awaken to life in color.

Jesus entered our world, he felt human emotion and His life, although purposeful and clear, was difficult and complicated. Perhaps, God gave us the complexity of our human emotions, including embracing the complicated gray, to remind us of our reliance on His grace, mercy and love.

The infertility journey is filled with every emotion God gave us the ability to feel and to express. Putting ourselves into boxes and denying feelings does not make it easier to deal with, but rather can easily crush and suffocate us.

Give yourself permission to feel it all because within this permission your heart and eyes may open up a bit more to what He has to truly offer you.

My life is the complicated gray for I am filled with the longing joy of a mother who parents her children from afar. It has been through the acceptance of both this sadness and redefined joy that I have strengthened my relationship with Christ.

The complicated gray allows us to define our place in the story He has for planned for us.