Overcome Porn: The 40 Day ChallengeНамуна

Ask any counselor, psychologist, or therapist, and they will all agree that accountability is essential to lasting freedom from pornography.

But what is accountability? 

In the minds of many, accountability should harness the power of fear and shame to motivate change. However, accountability is not about fear. It is about learning, perhaps for the first time in your life, not to be afraid.

Understanding the true nature of accountability begins by realizing that addiction of any kind is rooted in our attachments. To thrive, we must have secure attachments to others, especially our parents. From the moment a child is born, she asks unconscious yet very real questions like: Are my needs important? Do I matter to you? Can I trust you? Are you safe?

Unfortunately, many of us experience the opposite of loving care in our relationships. Terrified of vulnerability and the emotional pain it brings, we erect barriers and close ourselves off. We find “safe” and reliable ways—frequently unhealthy, like pornography—of coping with our hunger to be loved.

Accountability is the cure for wounded attachments, for at its core, it’s about learning to trust and to relearn healthy bonding. It is about being able to reveal who we are, even the darkest and most shameful parts of ourselves, and still be loved, accepted, and encouraged. This relational safety moves us from a place of shame, anxiety, and isolation—which perpetuates the cycle of addiction—to a place where we can rediscover healthy intimacy.

Accountability is all too often misunderstood, with many believing it is based in fear, judgement, and rejection. The opposite is true. Accountability is not about fear; it is about learning trust and healthy intimacy in complete safety.

It won’t be easy for someone who has spent years or even their entire lifetime hiding from intimacy to become open and vulnerable. Yet, it is the only path to healing.

Healthy attachments are essential for human flourishing. We are beings made to be loved and to love in return. Accountability is not a punishment; rather it is a medicine that can help wounded hearts discover the safety and intimacy they crave.

Action Steps

• Write out a definition of what accountability means to you.
• Have you invited someone to hold you accountable yet? Who do you think you can add as an ally?