Ready or Not for Foster & Adoptive FamiliesНамуна

DAY 4: Search My Heart

Going through the adoption and foster care process is all consuming. A pregnant woman thinks about her unborn child daily, wondering what he will look like and what kind of personality he will have. Adoptive and foster parents experience the same emotions and state of wonder. Although for the most part those emotions are positive, it’s the hidden fears, anxiety, and worry in our hearts that will trip us up.

As a trainer for our state’s foster care/adoption program, I often use an exercise called The Dream Child. The purpose of the exercise is to have the prospective parents draw a picture of their future foster or adopted child. What are their likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc.? Inevitably the families apply attributes to their future children that match their own. When my husband and I completed the exercise we were a one-child family whose favorite family activity was sitting at Barnes & Nobles reading for hours on end. It was important to us that our future child love reading, so we included books in our drawing. Fast-forward nine months to the placement of our new daughter, Heather. She hated reading—with a passion. That one seemingly small fact resulted in a major shift in our family’s routine. It wasn’t easy and it required us to leave our comfort zone and redefine a core part of our family so that our new daughter would feel at home. 

The type of shift we made because our new daughter disliked reading isn’t something that some families are willing to make. Heather vividly remembers another prospective parent coming for visits at her group home. She took her out to eat in order to get to know her with the intention of adoption. This particular woman was a librarian and when she discovered that Heather hated reading, she suddenly stopped showing up for visits. To this day, Heather can recount the moment that she revealed her dislike of reading. The librarian’s entire demeanor changed and she quickly ended the visit. The librarian didn’t want to parent any child, she wanted to parent a child whose likes/dislikes mirrored her own. If we were to ask her, she would probably say that she was afraid that she would have nothing in common with a child who didn’t value reading. It was a terrible disappointment to Heather. But can you imagine what would have happened if the librarian had ignored her own worry and adopted Heather anyway, thinking she could change her? The end result could have been disastrous for both of them. 

It’s important to let God search your heart and reveal the fears, anxieties, and worries that might derail your journey or create tensions later on. I’ve known men who were so afraid of being accused of sexual misconduct that they’ve completely withheld physical affection from their daughters, leaving the daughters feeling unloved and unwanted. I’ve known moms who let their own insecurities prevent them from addressing their children’s behavior and give in to any demand. This led to teenagers who got into all kinds of trouble because they knew their mothers would never confront them. Giving in to our fears, insecurities, and worries may seem insignificant now, but the long-term effects on our children can be devastating. 

Give God access to those hidden areas of your heart. Be honest with Him and with your spouse about your fears, insecurities, and worries. God is good. He already knows what’s hidden in your heart. He’s waiting for you to open up and give Him full access so He can bring healing and direction. 

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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you're single) to ask and answer the following questions.

Discussion Questions – Day 4: Search My Heart

1. Today’s devotion says to give God access to those hidden areas of your heart. Be honest with Him and with your spouse about your fears, insecurities, and worries. How is that idea challenging? How is it liberating?

2. Respond to Heather’s story. What thoughts and emotions did it stir in you?

3. Talk about the relationship between preparing yourself as much as possible for the challenges of fostering and trusting God to work through you in the lives of children despite the damage you’ve suffered in your life. How do you know when you need to hand something over to God?

4. What are some personal fears you need to hand over to God in prayer?