Infidelity: Obstacles to RecoveryНамуна

STILL CAN'T SLEEP IN SAME BED WITH FORMERLY UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE

The process of forgiving an unfaithful spouse can be long and complicated. This difficulty of recovering intimacy and closeness can continue long after the affair has ended and the pair have begun working on reconciliation. Sometimes a betrayed spouse who has mentally put the incident behind themselves and verbally expressed forgiveness still finds it impossible to sleep in the same bed with their mate. This only adds to his or her confusion and causes them to doubt their own sincerity and goodwill.

If you find yourself in this dilemma, there are several things you need to keep in mind. First, infidelity is not just a minor scratch on the surface of a marriage. It’s a deep and painful breach of trust that goes straight to the heart of the marital relationship. You can’t make the hurt go away overnight simply by saying “I forgive you.” So don’t make light of the situation.

Don’t fall into the error of the false prophets and priests who thought they could heal Israel’s wounds “slightly” simply by saying, “Peace, peace!” The sins of Judah were many and dire, and Jeremiah knew that it would not be easy to reverse the negative effects of their fallout. On the contrary, real healing would require lots of time and space and involved a therapeutic process that could reasonably be described as a kind of death and resurrection.

Second, it would be helpful to educate yourself more thoroughly about the true meaning of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is an absolute necessity in a case like this, but forgiving doesn’t mean putting yourself in a position where you can easily be hurt again. The affair may have ended, but you and your spouse still have a long way to go before you can begin to get back to anything approximating “situation normal.” Under the circumstances, your feelings of uneasiness are completely understandable.

Third, bear in mind that forgiveness is an emotion as well as a choice. You may have made a rational decision to forgive your husband, but it will probably take a while for your heart to catch up with your head in this regard. Feelings have to mend at their own pace. You can’t force this to happen. This is especially true in cases of deep and serious hurt, and it’s truest of all where sex is concerned. Sexuality and intimacy are all about vulnerability, and you can’t make yourself vulnerable until you’re convinced that it’s safe to do so.

Meanwhile, if your spouse is truly sorry about past behavior, he or she will have no trouble understanding why you’re struggling with your feelings about marital intimacy. A person who is genuinely repentant is also humble and meek. He doesn’t make demands or blame someone else for the pain and awkwardness he’s caused by his own poor choices. Instead, he asks, “How can I make you more comfortable?” He is sincerely willing to do whatever it takes to put the relationship back on a good footing.

On the other side of the coin, it might a good idea to search your own heart and make sure that you aren’t refusing to come back to bed out of an unconscious desire to punish your spouse. You need to realize that no amount of “hurting him back” can ever remove the scar his infidelity has left upon your marriage. The only real solution is to find some way to get beyond the pain and start over again. These are the kinds of questions you’ll want to hash out at length with a trained marriage therapist.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s website, or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).