Infidelity: Obstacles to RecoveryНамуна

WONDERING IF SPOUSE IS TRULY REPETANT OVER AFFAIR, AT RISK FOR ANOTHER

An affair represents a deep breach of trust between husband and wife — a breach so deep and so difficult to mend that many couples who have experienced the pain of infidelity are not willing to do the hard work required to rebuild their marriage. It’s hard enough to make that effort when the guilty party has confessed his or her sin, expressed genuine remorse, and indicated a real desire to get back on the right track.

But when there are signs that true repentance is lacking, the victim of the affair may find it extremely difficult to move forward. He or she may be plagued by doubts about the other person’s sincerity or fears of recurring infidelities in the future. Anxieties of this kind can have a paralyzing and debilitating impact on the healing process.

If this is your situation and there are indications that true repentance is lacking, your feelings of confusion and a reluctance to move forward are understandable. If the relationship is to continue, you and your spouse owe it to each other to demonstrate your commitment to fidelity. This is particularly important for the individual who has been unfaithful in the past.

You need clarity and the best way to find it is to get into counseling together as soon as possible. Only within the context of intensive therapy with a trained marriage specialist can you even begin to see whether your spouse is truly repentant or not. As you delve into that process all the deeper issues will rise to the surface, and the proof will be in the pudding. If it becomes evident that the guilty spouse is experiencing real “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) in connection with his past actions, you can then begin to take steps toward restoration and reconciliation.

Part of this process involves working with your counselor to build safeguards or “hedges” around your marriage to protect it against another affair. For example, do you have access to each other’s cell phones and email accounts? Obviously, one can go overboard in this regard, creating an atmosphere of distrust and even paranoia in the process. But in the wake of an affair it’s only reasonable to expect a greater level of accountability in order to rebuild trust.

Another critical element of preventing subsequent affairs is understanding how the first one occurred. In many cases, affairs happen because there are cracks in the marriage. Sometimes spouses drift apart and stop communicating. Or they have unresolved issues related to finances, sex or parenting. An individual might even have emotional problems, like past sexual abuse or bipolar disorder, that lead to an increased likelihood of infidelity. None of these things excuse an affair, of course, but they are factors that need to be taken into account. Work with your counselor to identify what made your marriage open to the affair initially. Then come up with practical ways to strengthen those weak areas.

In the event that the counseling process uncovers a real lack of repentance, remorse, and “godly sorrow” on the part of the offending spouse, you will have to deal with this aspect of the problem before attempting to restore the relationship. This observation is particularly important where the behavior and attitude of the unfaithful party is characterized by anger, narcissism, or a talent for manipulation. Individuals who fit this description find it difficult to grasp how they may have hurt someone else. They tend to direct all their energy toward shoring up their own position and making themselves look as good as possible. They may wish to assume the appearance of an empathetic, loving, and repentant spouse, but there’s a basic flaw in their psychological make-up that makes it very difficult for them to understand what that really means.

This renders the victim of the affair vulnerable to a strong temptation to blame herself for the troubles at the heart of the marriage. The result is guilt, resentment, and a gnawing sense that you haven’t forgiven your spouse and will never be able to do so. It should be obvious that genuine reconciliation is impossible under such conditions.

If you and your spouse are facing a situation like this, it would probably be a good idea to get into separate counseling prior to seeing a therapist together. That’s because angry and narcissistic people are notoriously skillful at taking control of group sessions and manipulating them to their own advantage. An individual counselor may be able to help the unfaithful spouse work through some of his or her personal issues before attempting to address your marital concerns in concert.