Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your MarriageНамуна

HOW SHOULD MY HUSBAND RELATE TO HIS FEMALE BOSS?

The problem of living as a faithful Christian in the world has been with us since Acts Chapter 1, but it can assume a different appearance from century to century, generation to generation, sometimes even from year to year.

The same observation applies to the more specific challenge of keeping a Christian marriage vibrant, healthy, and strong in a secular culture. The enemies of marriage can present themselves under a variety of shapes and disguises. Everything depends upon the circumstances a couple happens to be facing at any given time. As an example, consider the particular circumstances associated with the modern workplace.

A hundred years ago men and women rarely mingled in the workplace. Nowadays they labor side by side on a daily basis. Spouses who want their marriages to survive and thrive in contemporary society are going to have to find ways to deal with these inescapable realities.

Consider the case of a woman whose husband works for a female boss. In a situation like this, it’s quite possible that the boss will occasionally ask the husband to discuss work-related matters in private — say within the context of a “working lunch.” This has become a common and expected method of doing business. And yet it’s also easy to understand how the man’s wife might feel uncomfortable with this arrangement. What should the couple do?

In Romans 1 Paul exhorts Christians to resist becoming “conformed” to the patterns of this world. Sadly, many believers nowadays seem content to accept the status quo and go along with what’s “common and expected” without question or pause. If we’re going to live God’s way, there are times when we have to be willing to push back against the culture. Christian couples who take this challenge seriously won’t necessarily shrug their shoulders and say, “That’s just the way things go in the modern workplace.” They may not be able to re-engineer the culture or change the structures of the business world, but if they really care about preserving the integrity of their relationship they can and should take the time to talk seriously about the wife’s feelings and to figure out ways of establishing meaningful boundaries and maintaining appropriate “hedges” around their relationship.

If husband and wife can agree that something needs to be done, the man might begin by speaking openly and honestly with his boss about his concerns. Once his boss understands where he’s coming from, she might be willing to make some appropriate changes. For example, wherever possible she might make an effort to include other employees in offsite business luncheons. Matters that must be kept strictly private could be discussed at the office, behind closed doors if necessary, but in close proximity to other co-workers.

Meanwhile, the wife might find it helpful to examine her motives and make sure she’s not operating on the basis of unjustified fears or an unhealthy need for control. A great deal depends upon the underlying causes of her uneasiness about her husband’s work environment. She should ask herself why she fears that his luncheons with the boss might pose a threat to the stability of their marriage. Has her husband been unfaithful in the past? Are there other reasons to suppose that he might be vulnerable to an affair? What about the circumstances under which these business meetings are conducted — is there anything unusual about them? For instance, have any of these conferences been scheduled after working hours or arranged in locations (like a cocktail lounge) that might be considered inappropriate?

If not, is it possible that some aspect of the wife’s concerns stems from previous hurts and difficult experiences? Is there something in her family background — a divorce, an affair, abuse or neglect of some kind — that might help account for her anxiety? Does she struggle with feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem? Do she and her husband find it hard to talk about deep thoughts and emotions? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, the couple should seek professional assistance. A trained therapist can help them perform an assessment of their marriage and point out both the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, it might be to your advantage to seek out the guidance and support of a larger community and to make yourself accountable to others who can hold both of you to a high standard of marital commitment. Many churches offer support groups or adult Sunday school classes designed specifically to help couples build stronger marriages. It would be a good idea to get connected with a class or group of this nature and make it a regular part of your lives.

The bottom line here is communication. The process of building healthy boundaries and protective hedges in marriage begin at home, and the key to success is a couple’s willingness to talk openly and honestly about their respective wants, needs, desires, and concerns.