10 Choices Successful Couples MakeНамуна

Choose to Challenge Unspoken Truths

Some of the most insidious and destructive elements of a marriage are the assumptions spouses make about each other. Assumptions are sometimes based on previous experiences that have been interpreted and at other times are based on minimal factual information. They are beliefs that have been adopted that later become a part of the reality of the relationship.

The problem with assumptions is that they become what I call “unspoken truths.” These are assumptions, which may or may not be true, that are accepted as truth in a marriage. Once accepted, partners give up trying to change these beliefs. These “unspoken truths” form the basis for how spouses act toward each other and drive much of what happens in the relationship. Once spouses begin to accept these beliefs as givens in the relationship, they become the building blocks for their understanding of each other.

Can you identify with any of the “unspoken truths” below?

• He cares more about his work than he does about me. 
• She changed when we had kids; they have always been more important than me.
• He won’t ever change—that’s just who he is.
• No matter what I do, she’ll never really love me.
• He says he works all those hours for us, but I think it’s really to prove something to himself.
• I think he likes the idea of marriage but just not the reality of being married to me.

I have seen couples find hope in the transformation that happens when they are willing to do the work of exposing “unspoken truths” in their marriages. Something powerful happens when spouses are willing to risk vulnerability with one another, speak their hurt, and put the other partner first in their marriage. The same can be true for you in your marriage.

If you will begin to identify the assumptions in your relationship and honestly share these “unspoken truths” with each other, you can make a clear choice to live your life together differently. 

So many couples discover that they allow their entire marriage to be based on assumptions and beliefs, most of which are not true at all. When we make the brave choice to challenge these “unspoken truths” and no longer believe them, our relationship changes drastically. It may be overwhelming at first, but eventually this choice leads to healing and truth.

Complete these sentences with as much honesty and accuracy as possible with the intent to share with your spouse: 

My partner does not understand that I need ________. 

If I could change one part of myself for my partner, it would be _____.