Living Changed: When Your Birth Story Didn’t Go As ExpectedUzorak

Expectations vs. Reality

I don’t know about you, but I love to plan. I like to know what’s going to happen, when it will happen, and who it will happen with. If I know what to expect, I can think about how I’ll respond and feel more prepared. Of course, we can plan to our heart’s content, but that doesn’t mean our plans will actually happen.

At 33 weeks, my daughter was born weighing 3 pounds and 4 ounces. I only held her for a couple of minutes before the nurses from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) whisked her away in an isolette, an incubator made to keep her warm and protect her from germs. I sent my husband with her to make sure she was okay. Then the doctors finished my post-birth procedures, and suddenly it was quiet.

There was no skin-to-skin contact. There were no cute family photos. There was no learning how to nurse for the first time. It was just me, alone in a room, bedridden and disoriented. I was the farthest away from my daughter that I had ever been. My reality did not look like what I’d wanted. I was frustrated, sad, angry, and confused. I didn’t realize it, but I was grieving the loss of my expectations.

• I expected to have a healthy pregnancy. Instead, I developed severe preeclampsia.
• I expected to have a full-term pregnancy. Instead, I delivered seven weeks early.
• I expected to hold my baby after her birth. Instead, I had to hand her to someone else.
• I expected to spend my first moments postpartum as a new family of three. Instead, I spent those moments alone.
• I expected to care for my baby while I learned how to be a mom. Instead, I had to trust her doctors to care for her while I was left wondering what my role was in all of it.

I don’t know what expectations, hopes, or dreams you had for this season of your life, but I’m so sorry that your expectations were not your reality. Whether you’re sitting in the NICU today, or your little one is now running around the house—you are allowed to feel disappointed with your birth story. You’re allowed to feel both joy and sorrow simultaneously and unashamedly.

In the midst of all your unmet expectations, there’s one thing you can rely on. God will be with you through it all. Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

No matter how badly we want to avoid our trauma and grief, the only way to get over something is to push through it. We have to feel it to heal it. But as we walk, we can take comfort in the truth that our good God will be with us, protecting our hearts and healing us, every step of the way.

God, you know the dreams I hold in my heart. I’m grieving that what I hoped for didn’t line up with my reality. Help me to release all of my expectations to you and give you the heaviness I’m carrying. Help me feel your love, joy, and comfort in the middle of my pain. Thank you for guiding me through my valley. In Jesus’ name, Amen.