Learning to Apologize Well in MarriageShembull

Take Responsibility

Knowing you need to apologize probably means one of two things: Either God has convicted you so you know you need to apologize, or your spouse has spoken up to let you know they are hurt. Even if they don’t speak up verbally, or if they speak unkindly, you can choose to move forward in obedience to Christ by taking responsibility for the pain you caused and your part in the conflict, then doing your part to make it right.

This is where it gets real. This is the hard part. Saying “sorry,” or “my apologies” isn’t all that bad, but to say specifically how you have wronged your spouse and to ask for their forgiveness is humbling. It is uncomfortable to recall and say what you did, but this is where healing takes place. Confession frees us, as we see clearly in Psalm 32. The Psalmist relates unconfessed sin to a heavy weight that sapped his strength and made his bones “waste away.” But confession brought the freedom of God’s forgiveness.

1 John teaches that when we confess, God faithfully forgives and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. So we have nothing to lose when we confess and apologize.

When you apologize, be specific, and take responsibility for your action. Say “I’m sorry that I _____ .” Don’t make excuses or blame. (For example “I’m sorry I snapped, but you were really pushing my nerves.” Or “I know I was a jerk, but you were too.”) Acknowledge that you do not want to repeat the hurtful action. Ask, “What can I do to make this right?”

An apology clears the air, but there may be lingering disconnection. If one or–more likely, both of you–feel hurt from the exchange, an apology will not make the hurt disappear. Forgiveness is the essential step that begins the reconnection process. Each of you demonstrating kindness toward the other facilitates reconnecting.

It’s not a science, as humans our hearts are not completely predictable. But when you do what’s right on your part, acknowledging your sin before God and your spouse, you set the conflict behind you and move forward together.

Next Steps:

• What does truly accepting responsibility for our words and actions in marriage look like?
• In what ways have you skirted your responsibility for your sins in the past?
• What do you want confession to look like in your marriage?
• What do you want your spouse to do to “make it right” when they sin against you?
• Ask your spouse, “What do you want me to do to make it right when I sin against you?”