Six Elements for Resolving Marital Disagreements a 6-Day Devotion by Damia RolfeShembull

Day 6: HOW are you communicating with your spouse?

Some researchers suggest that nonverbal communication is 80% of what we say. Both ‘how’ we speak and ‘how’ we listen are essential to whether our disagreement will speak life or death into our marriages. As stated in James 1:19, we must be quick to listen and slow to speak. It has been said that’s why we have one mouth and two ears. So ‘how’ do we listen and speak to resolve our marital disagreement?

First, we must focus on ‘how’ to say what needs to be said. We must carefully use words and a tone that invite a discussion not a disagreement. We want our spouse to have an ear to hear and a heart to receive what’s on our heart but that’s difficult to do when words are disrespectful and arms flailing. Think of it like food, when seasoned well, it’s better received and digested. The same should be true for our words in the midst of a disagreement. When our words are presented well, we have a better chance of our spouse genuinely listening rather than being on the defense and ending communication altogether. Also, unseasoned words create an atmosphere of contention that can eventually become an unsafe space to share our thoughts and feelings.

Secondly, actively listen to understand. This means don’t anxiously wait for an opportunity to respond or interrupt like you’re playing a game of Double Dutch. Actively listening can provide much needed clarity and empathy in an otherwise uncomfortable and confusing situation because it shows that not only do we care about what is being said but we also care about what concerns our spouse. When we interrupt and don’t actively listen, it’s as if what our spouse is saying is insignificant or a waste of our time. Additionally, we must watch our facial expressions as it can be interpreted as a hard response and discourage vulnerability. Eventually, this dynamic can also cultivate a hopeless and unsafe place to share because our spouses may become discouraged about the likelihood of being on one accord and may begin losing faith in the strength of our marriages. Where there’s discouragement, reluctance to communicate ensues and the enemy sees an opportunity for division. Often times, after active listening, the need to respond can be extinguished because the only solution required was a safe place to be heard.

Challenge: ‘How’ are you showing up in your conversations or disagreements? Ask God to help you actively listen, and season your words. Pray that he will help your nonverbal communication to be in alignment with peace, grace, and inviting a safe space.

Colossians 4:6 – Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Proverbs 15:1 – A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a hard word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:4 – The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

James 1:19-20 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

If you enjoyed this plan, visit www.healthyandwholemarriages.com for more resources to encourage you along your marital journey beyond the aisle.