In Love & Always ArguingShembull

Where Did You Learn to Argue Like That ?

The simple answer: from watching someone else or by being spoken to in that manner. Early childhood years make up the arena for learning behavior. If you’ve struggled to understand why you do some of the things you do or why you respond in the manner that you do, it might be time for a trip down memory lane. For most of us, our early life observations and interactions have strongly cultivated how we operate today.

For example, someone who is very anxious all the time and always thinks of how something can go wrong may have been raised by a parent who felt the same way and therefore was overprotective. The overprotection sent the child the message that the world is a dangerous place. They always heard “Be very careful about everything and everyone.” Someone with this experience may also have a difficult time opening up to people because of fear of being hurt. While these modes of operation may have been helpful earlier in life, they oftentimes become a hindrance to communicative growth in courting and marriage relationships. At this point, these defense mechanisms act as generational barriers to the understanding that God wants to bestow upon your relationship. Despite the reality of these generational bondages, we can hope in Numbers 14:18-19, and trust in God’s saving grace to deliver us from unhelpful, inherited patterns.

It's important to gain a deeper understanding of both you and your partner’s manual of operation when it comes to communicating. Here are some questions that could be helpful to consider; “How did your parents deal with conflicts when you were growing up? How did they celebrate victories? How did they respond to you when you did something wrong? How did your parent speak to you when he/she was angry about something you did and how did you respond to it? What were the biggest challenges that your parents/grandparents faced in their marriage/relationship?” When we’ve identified these things about our past, we’re better able to combat the patterns we don’t want to keep. Deliverance becomes possible by the authority God offers us as shown in Acts 13:39; “Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin…”