Overcoming AngerChikamu

Behind the Anger

Early in life, I was riddled with anger, feelings of worthlessness, depression, and anxiety. My friends made fun of my weight, rooting in me a deep sense of rejection. My father’s frequent emotional and physical abuse toward me led me not only to feel inadequate but also to fear for my safety. Because I did not understand God’s love for me or feel secure in Him, I was very afraid of what might happen if I died. My father worked long hours at the office and traveled for weeks at a time. I felt his physical distance, but things were not much better when he was home. He was quick to get angry and yell at me when I misbehaved. His anger was explosive. I felt I couldn’t measure up to his expectations. I wasn’t told why things were wrong; I just had to obey. I could never explain myself because doing so was seen as “talking back.”

At the age of eight, I began reacting to those painful realities. I would respond angrily to my dad, lashing out in an attempt to protect myself from hurt. I developed anxiety and was always on alert, anticipating the next time I would experience rejection. I turned inward, accepting the lies that others were communicating about my value and experiencing depression because of it.

For decades, anger was a way for me to deal with fear and rejection. Because I did not feel safe and was repeatedly hurt by those around me, I lashed out at them. Fear and anger are two sides of the same coin. Much of the time, anger is a way to try to protect ourselves when we’re afraid. Anger had been my way of trying to control and keep others at a distance for years.

As I learned more about God’s love and found help through supportive friendships, I started to heal. One of the things that helped the most was that I learned to ask myself what fear was behind my anger. Once I identified that fear, I then identified and told myself the truth. I would take deep breaths, ask God for help, and relentlessly tell myself the truth about the situation.

For example, if a friend disagreed with me, rather than obsessing about it and staying angry, I’d remember I was fearing something. I was fearing rejection and anger was a way to try to protect myself. I’d remember that they are free to disagree with me because their opinions are valid and they are uniquely made in God’s image and different from me. I’d remember they are not rejecting me, but even if they were, I am loved, accepted, and valued by God. He created me and He’s the only one who can determine my value. As I pressed into this process, I became less reactive, less irritable, less angry, and much more at peace in life.

God, help me discover what’s behind my anger. I want to dismantle the lies and fears that bind me.