Reframe Your Shame: 7-Day Prayer GuideChikamu

The Family Disease

Addiction is a family disease. Families are just as sick emotionally as the person in the addiction. They spend time, energy, prayer, emotion, money, and more trying desperately to help loved ones who are dealing with addictions.

We’re raised watching our parents/caregivers, and we do what they do. We have to unlearn behaviors we pick up from childhood. Children of addicts fall into cycles of mistrust and silence. They pretend things are not as bad as they are or cover for the behaviors and outbursts of their parents, or even their neglect, out of shame. They walk around numb and disconnected—it’s too risky to stay connected to their true emotions because they fear falling apart if they allow themselves to feel. Children need security to grow into confident adults who are independent and wise decision-makers. But with addiction as a constant presence, their childhood is full of insecurity, because they never know what to expect. Children of adults with substance-abuse issues often wonder when or if Mom or Dad will get sober; whether their parent will provide food and other basic needs for them; and if their parent will hurt them or fly off the handle and embarrass them. Do they really love me? They wonder.

The family needs to recover together whenever it is possible. Steps can be taken to address and break dysfunctional family systems that lead to continued cycles of addiction being passed down from one generation to the next. Jeremiah 32:18 says, “You show unfailing love to thousands, but you also bring the consequences of one generation’s sin upon the next” (NLT). If we don’t deal with generational cycles of dysfunction, our children will be left with the fallout of them.

My husband, Jimmy, and I have decided that it stops with us! Our children will understand our family history of ADHD and how to handle it for themselves. They will understand symptoms of anxiety and depression, and not be afraid to ask for help. They won’t have to wallow in shame and misery about mental health challenges they might face. I determined to share my experiences with addiction and how it crept up on me. Sharing the facts about the nature of addiction helps our kids make their own empowered choices. I can’t force my kids not to drink just because I fear they will deal with alcoholism like I have. It’s been hard to accept, but I have released that the decision belongs to them. My part as a parent is offering a safe place and resources to talk about the effects of addiction and mental health on a person. All I can do is lift the shame and stigma associated with addiction and mental health and pray that they make choices that benefit themselves.

You may be wondering if it is possible to develop healthy relationships when you feel like they have been nothing but dysfunctional all your life. Yes, it is possible, but it takes more than wishing for them. Becoming aware of dysfunction and how you have operated in it, then finding tools to flip the script and develop healthier relationships, is as possible for you as it has been for me.

You might be surprised by how well your loved ones take on the healthy tools you demonstrate and desire the change and freedom they see in you. Initially, they may not like when you operate in new healthier patterns, because dysfunction in families feels familiar, and that makes people feel secure. Change sometimes freaks out people, and they don’t always know what to do with it. That’s okay. It will take time, communication, and consistency to break unhealthy patterns and to bear fruit, so they can see that they, too, can benefit and have mutually satisfying relationships.

Many ask me, as I travel for speaking events, about how to help someone who they’re noticing is slipping into addiction. This may sound cliché, but prayer is always key as a first response rather than a last resort. Prayer has power to change hearts. Only God knows a person’s heart and intentions, and the Holy Spirit can give you wisdom, grace, and courage to have hard conversations. We are not able to do what God can do, and sometimes our history with the person hinders or complicates their ability to hear from us. As you pray, if you sense an invitation to speak to them, communicate and be honest with your loved one in a kind and nonjudgmental way. Explain what you notice without accusation. Share concern and empathy and ask how you can help and if they are open to getting help. Sometimes creating that safe place for the person to be heard can make all the difference in their acceptance of help. I know it’s hard to leave the rest of the intervention to God to take care of, but releasing the responsibility of your loved one to God frees you!

Prayer Guide

• Jesus offers freedom each and every day, thank Him!

• Ask the Lord to free you from past hurts.

• Ask the Father to help you cultivate healthy relationships with family members.

• Pray by name for those in your life who have been negatively impacted by your choices. Ask Jesus to draw them to Himself.

• Ask God to help you restore relationships with family and friends.

Prayer for You

Loving God, thank You for my precious family. Protect them. Keep them strong as they face challenges and choices. Help me be sensitive to their struggles while trying to guide them. May they see Your love and forgiveness in my life. May they be drawn to a relationship with You that will help them live healthy lives that are committed to You. I want them to feel Your presence and to seek Your will for their lives. Use me and the things I’ve endured to help them make better choices and to seek Your plan for them. Amen.