Aftershock - Making Decisions and Preparing for ActionChikamu

Create a List of Non-negotiables

The following three non-negotiable, bottom-line measures will help you clarify exactly what you’re requiring your husband to do if he wants to show that he’s truly repentant and serious about getting the help he needs to stop his damaging behavior.

1. He must implement immediate boundaries to prevent easy access to pornography. Your husband needs to demonstrate initiative in distancing himself from his sources of temptation. Following are some examples:

· Downgrading or giving up his smartphone

· Using his laptop computer only in common areas

· Installing filters and/or accountability software

· Closing social media accounts, sharing passwords and changing phone numbers

· Cutting off sinful or risky relationships by engaging in accountable, observable communication that ends the entanglement or affair

2. He must share his struggle with other men who will hold him accountable. Fighting this battle alone is not an option.

· Although your husband might not know where to turn at first, he must identify two or three safe and trusted men (your pastor, wise friends, caring siblings) who agree to meet with him on a regular basis for accountability and support.

· He must reveal his problem to them, as well as the process he’s undertaking at this stage.

· He must give you access to these individuals so you can verify that he’s taken this step and is having regular conversations with them in the days and weeks ahead.

3. He must seek out and begin specialized counseling. It’s minimizing, prideful, and unwise for your husband to insist on dealing with complex sexual issues through self-help alone. Habitual pornography use and sexual sin have underlying roots and causes that can’t be solved by simply trying harder and promising to stop. Seeking out and participating in specialized, Christ-centered professional counseling is essential for individuals and couples who are struggling with the damaging effects of pornography use and sexual sin.

While you should also become familiar with the various routes into counseling, your husband should be responsible for gathering the information needed to set up initial conversations as well as phone and office appointments. In the end, both of you should take part in this process. It’s also ideal if both of you have individual as well as marital support.

Next up, “A Man’s Invitation to Recovery.”