I Shouldn't Feel This Way by Dr. Alison CookSample

Each of us can be toxic in a moment. We can lie, deceive, manipulate, guilt-message, control, or criticize. We can bully and blame-shift. We can lose our tempers and lash out at others. We can act self-centered or arrogant. We are human. We make mistakes. We succumb to the worst of ourselves at times. Here’s the paradox: when we learn to name our own toxic behavior, take responsibility for it, and make the appropriate amends, we become people who are safe. In fact, the ability to name a toxic moment in yourself, especially when you can name it honestly and without shame, is an indication of your health!

Imagine if we all spoke in the following ways to our loved ones.

“Gosh, I’ve been self-centered. I’m so sorry. I’m going to work at being more sensitive to what’s going on with you.” (Followed up with actions.)

“I just lashed out at you, when in fact I was the one at fault. I can’t believe I did that. I need to figure out what’s going on with me so that it doesn’t happen again.” (Followed up with actions.)

“I didn’t realize how I’ve let my jealousy get the best of me. I’m sorry. I’m taking these steps to change.” (Followed up with actions.)

The more honest you are with yourself, the more you will come to expect this same kind of honesty from other people and the more you’ll recognize toxicity when you see it.

Naming what’s hard is an act of love, a gift you give not only to yourself but also to others. It creates an opportunity for both parties—yourself and the other person—to brave a different path. You release the other person to make their own choices. And you free yourself to pursue the healing and goodness that lies ahead.

Jesus said, “Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”(Matthew 10:16). We long to embody the purity of doves, soaring above life’s challenges uncontaminated and free. The problem is that while we are inhabiting this world, we also have to navigate the complexities, at times inching our way through the murky and chaotic underbelly of life. Pretending otherwise won’t change reality. Be wise, and don’t lose your innocence.

Prayer

Lord, please give me discernment to recognize toxic relationships, and please help me identify my own toxic behaviors. Amen.