The 10 Myths Of Teen DatingSample

Boys and Girls Handle Stress Differently

Because women under stress think, feel, and talk more, they are prone to do what I call the three c’s: communicate, cry, and closure. I’ve watched this scenario play out many times in my classroom at lunchtime. Two girls will come in and say, “Mr. Anderson, can we use your room for a few minutes to talk?” I will say, “Go for it.” While I work away at my desk, they communicate with each other.

Sometimes there will be moments of heated argument. Sometimes it will be just an intense discussion. There is always a lot of give and take with each girl listening to the other and often affirming what the other said. After a few minutes of communication, both of them often have a good cry. Tears flow, and they make several trips to my desk for Kleenex. And finally there is closure, complete with a big hug.

The girls say things like “You are a great friend, and I can’t believe we fought over something so dumb” or “I’m so glad we got this figured out. I don’t want anything to ruin our friendship.” Some researchers even give this process a name: “tend and befriend.” (Not all girls respond to relationship stress so well. But generally girls respond to conflict much better than boys do.)

Boys are just a teensy-weensy bit different when it comes to relationship stress. Because male pathways for stress and aggression run close to the part of their brains that processes physical action. I believe this puts them at a disadvantage when it comes to handling relational stress. While girls communicate, cry, and seek closure to handle a relationship problem, boys do what I like to call the three s’s: silent, snap, and strike.

I’m of the opinion that most boys can handle about ten minutes of relational stress before they have to be silent and think about the situation. It is as if a boy’s ability to think and his ability to talk are mutually exclusive. I’m sure more than one woman reading this is now shouting, “I knew it!”

Problems arise between boys and girls when these two styles clash. When an immature couple gets into an argument, these two styles can be combustible. She wants communication and closure, so she goes to what she does best: words and more words. In her world, conflict is solved through communication and closure. But the problem is, this is not how boys solve crises and handle stress.

His first line of defense is silence. He wants to think about what is going on, but she wants to talk about what is going on. Most boys will quickly grow tired of talking and want to go into their silent space. So they will attempt to put closure on the situation. They might say, “I’m really sorry and I’ll try to do better next time” or “Yeah, that was really stupid of me. I’ll try not to be such a dummy next time.” If they are better than the average 16-year-old boy, they might even throw in a hug and an “I love you.” In a boy’s mind, this is good work on his part. Case closed. But, in general, this is not closure to a girl. She needs more. But he can’t give much more.

She thinks, Maybe I haven’t explained myself well enough. So she tries more words. She searches for the perfect poetic mix of words that will get him to say, “Oh, now I get it. You really want me to do this differently in the future. I see why you feel that way. That was pretty stupid on my part. In the future I’ll try harder to make sure I don’t do that, because you are really special to me and I would never want this to come between us. I’m so glad you told me about this. I love you so very much and am looking forward to this never happening again. And by the way, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!” Now that is the closure she is looking for. But he cannot give that particular closure. He wants to be silent. So he may try for closure again. “Maybe you didn’t hear me. I told you I was sorry.” Now that is closure, he thinks.

But it is still not closure to her, so she speaks even more words. But he is now in his silent space. He is done talking and listening. It might as well be the Charlie Brown teacher voice he is hearing: “Waa-waa-wa-waaa-wa-waaaaa.” He has now shut down, so he sits silently while she talks, and talks, and talks, and talks. As she seeks closure, he gets filled with emotions. Soon he is flooded.

A man who is flooded will shut down and stonewall, unable to muster any response at all. He is now so stressed out he feels the need to fight with every fiber of his being. This is the point when boys begin to break stuff, punch walls, and maybe even hurt your daughter. Fortunately, most boys choose flight over fight, but some do not.

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