Finding Mr. Right - Dating for Christian WomenSample

THE CONVERSATION YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23

When it comes to dating as a Christian woman, there are certain topics that can feel difficult to approach—pornography being one of them. Yet, as challenging as it may be, it is crucial to have open and honest conversations about it early in the dating process. In today’s world, pornography has become one of the largest addictions within the church. The unfortunate reality is, most men you date will have been exposed to it in some way, whether it was in their past or even a current struggle. If we shy away from this topic, we may be ignoring something that could deeply affect future intimacy and trust within the marriage.

Talking about this issue honestly can shine a light into the realities occurring inside your relationship. If a man hides this from you or avoids the conversation, it’s likely a red flag. His secret struggle can cause shame, intimacy issues, emotional distance and spiritual insecurity, which can and will impact his future, which will also impact your relationship.

You might be wondering how to even start this conversation. It’s understandable that you may feel uncomfortable, but avoidance is not the answer. Setting the tone for honesty from the beginning of a relationship builds trust. I recommend proceeding with this conversation like this:

“______ I need to talk to you about something very important to me, is that ok? I want to ask you a few things and that you be 100% honest with me. Lying about this will hurt me deeply. Can you do that?”

If he agrees, then ask.

1. When was the first time you were exposed to pornography?

2. Since then, how often have you looked at pornography?

3. When was the last time you looked at pornography?

Even if he is the godliest person you know, even preparing for the ministry, you might hear real numbers that will alarm you. You might feel hurt, angry, betrayed, and a myriad of feelings. However, you might want to practice your responses for a couple of days before asking him, so you can honor his honesty with you by saying some of the following responses.

1. Thank you for being honest.

2. I’m going to need some time to think about this.

3. I appreciate you telling me. What are your plans to get and stay free from pornography?

4. Would you be willing to talk to a pastor or another man about this to get accountability and freedom?

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Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

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Remember this: you are not responsible for fixing anyone’s issues with pornography. It’s not a reflection of your worth or beauty. Many men have been exposed to these issues long before you entered the picture and it is their responsibility to take the actions to be accountable and heal. As you reflect on this time, I want you to also ask you to look inwardly at your own behaviors. Are you watching pornography or struggling with it? If so, I highly recommend getting intelligent help by setting up an appointment with a Christian Sexual Recovery Therapist (SRT).