Complicated Conflict

Big fights often start over small issues. For example, maybe you ask someone an innocent question, but they take it the wrong way and snap back. This triggers a cold response from you, which only ticks them off even more. They respond with real venom—and soon you’re going toe-to-toe over an issue that isn’t even the real issue anymore because the whole thing escalated quickly.

I’ve learned the hard way that the success rate of reactions in conflict isn’t very high. Reactions are often defensive, offensive, or both. They are accusatory, villainizing, and emotionally charged. They point fingers, find faults, and cast blame. But they don’t really resolve the conflict. They just exaggerate it or bury it.

Complicated people are often conflict magnets. So if we’re going to get better at interacting with them, we have to find better ways to resolve conflict than blowing up, shutting down, or walking out. Let me share a few decisions we need to make.

1. Decide we actually want peace. The Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Conflict resolution starts with the choice to do what you can to pursue healthy peace, which means getting to the bottom of issues and finding solutions that work.
2. Decide what hills we’re going to die on. There are some hills not even worth climbing, much less defending to the death. Not every disagreement should be escalated. Not every offense must be avenged. Do you know what hills you’d die on? Are there any hills you need to walk away from right now?
3. Decide to play our part. Healthy conflict resolution requires knowing what you can and can’t do. Hint: you can’t control them; you can only control you. Rather than wishing they’d change, focus on what is within your power. Could you change your thinking? Your attitude? Your expectations? Your words? Your actions?
4. Decide to speak the truth in love. The Bible talks about “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). A lot of people love to “speak their truth,” but truth without love can be a club to beat people over the head. None of us have all the truth anyway, which is why we need to saturate our words with love. What is the most loving way to share whatever is on your mind?

Remember, conflicts don’t have to be win-or-lose scenarios. Rather than charging into disagreements with fists raised, try de-escalating the situation and getting back to dialogue. Say things like, “I could be wrong, but…” or “I’m curious about your perspective on our interactions.” Then listen, learn, and love. With a little work, you can often find solutions that work for everyone. And you might even make a friend in the process.

Prayer

Jesus, help me be a peacemaker, a peacekeeper, and a peace bringer. I want to be mature, humble, and secure enough to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. I ask for your wisdom to know how to respond in each difficult situation and complicated conversation. In Jesus’ name, amen.