Love Life SoberSample

“JESUS, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE”

For the first two years after my mom passed away, my life looked like this: waking up with a headache, planning how to get through the day, hoping there was a lunch in my calendar so there was an excuse to have a glass (or three) of cold white wine at noon, and trying to get to the afternoon as quickly as possible so I could open up a bottle of wine when the homework books came out after school.

When the afternoon wine bottle popped open, I felt relief. I could go fuzzy again. I didn’t have to handle the pain. I didn’t have to think about how I wasn’t being a great mom. I didn’t have to think about my collapsing marriage.

When I woke up on the second anniversary of my mom’s death, hungover again, my mind pinged between I wonder where I’ll be in another two years if I keep drinking like this? And I’m fine. Not one person has called me on my drinking. After all, everything looked glossy and pretty on the surface.

Finally, that morning, I literally shouted to God, “Jesus, I can’t do this anymore!” And that day, in honor of my mom, I decided to take a break from alcohol.

In the following days and months, I battled cravings alone, terrified to tell friends what I was doing. I kept returning to 2 Corinthians 12:9: “’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” God’s power was made evident to me in my weakness around alco­hol. He would take this struggle and turn it into something I could never have imagined. When I finally surrendered to God, I felt more powerful than ever before because of His work in me. I knew I had a story to share with other women struggling with disordered drinking.

Wherever you are in your journey, know that God can take even your darkest moments and bring “beauty from ashes” (Isaiah 61:3). Hold on to this truth today: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” (Psalm 34:4-5).

What words from Christy or verses from Scripture in today’s devotional resonate with you most deeply?