Keeping It on LockdownSample

THE GENDER STEREOTYPE

The message on keeping it on lockdown (aka. saving sex for marriage) has felt a bit off-kilt for both genders. Women have expressed feeling chastised in religious circles for being provocative and ‘leading men on’ while also feeling pressured to remain virgins but not equipped with a sense of purpose beyond this command. Men have expressed feeling pressured to stop lusting after women but are less informed as to how to steward their sexual desires in the process of waiting till marriage. Even more disheartening is the lack of communication of Biblical vision and purpose for God's design of our sexual health and future.

Outside of the religious context, women are often over-sexualized and repositioned as sexually dominant to keep their ‘power.’ Women respond to this stereotype by amplifying their sexual allure and using it as a means to compensate for their lack of validation. The result? Welcome to the chat ‘Only Fans’. Men then become perceived as crude and only seeking sexual fulfillment from women, which creates a cycle of discontentment in dating relationships. At times, this assumption is valid, with porn addiction being at an all-time high. This only perpetuates men’s expectations of women to validate their fantasies, which again results in unmet expectations in dating. So what are we to do? Why have the genders been so unequally treated? Or perhaps better put, the conversation has been so generalized from the pulpit that leaders have missed the point of communicating God's heart.

Perhaps we need to get back to the basics and level the playing field again. If the goal for your future is, first and foremost, a fulfilling life and then a satisfying, long-lasting marriage, then both genders should have equal opportunity to achieve this goal, right? I'm not here to debate gender equality in the church. A blaming game will not solve this problem. But I do desire to make those who have felt the pressure from their church community feel seen and heard.

I grew up during a time when wearing mini skirts over jeans was cool because it meant you were modest. While I can still rock out to a good BarlowGirl song, I know the lingering emotions from that era can leave some feeling repressed, judged, and condemned. Believe me, I get it. I was taught it was a woman's job to keep men's eyes pure from lust. But if we look at the Bible, Jesus is quick to tell us, "If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire," (Matthew 18:9). We are responsible for stewarding our own self-control and should do so with great restraint out of the fear of the Lord, not fear of man or fear of causing someone else to stumble. However, we should also live our lives and carry ourselves in a manner that honors God as well as those around us. This is not a one-gender-sided scripture. This applies to all.

I look around at the war on gender in our current society and am shocked at the the hatred turned inward. At the root of this gender competition is an identity crisis. We don’t know who we are, so we let our desires, impulses, or worse, society tell us who we are. We have BECOME a product of our insecurities and wounds. But my friends, you are so much more than that. You are uniquely made for a purpose, and your desire to be intimately known is good. The journey to fulfilling that desire is a path that requires wisdom and discernment. Don’t fall prey to false advertisements about how to conform to fit in. Who are you becoming, and are you proud of the decisions you’re making on your way to your desired future? Are you blaming the world around you for the pain you feel? Living authentically doesn’t mean giving in to every impulse or feeling. It means uncovering the wounds, seeking healing, & being at rest with yourself.

If you have felt overshadowed by the narrative of being too much, not enough, or punished for your God-given sexual desires, I'm sorry. Jesus would have never cast a stone at you. Instead, He would have said, "Go and sin no more" (John 8:11). I believe if Jesus could have been in the room when we were being chastised, He would have silenced those who were casting stones at us and instead, cast a vision for our future. He would have said, "I know you desire to be seen, loved, & known. I made you that way. You crave intimacy because it's a passageway to the heart, and your heart is my prized possession. So protect it, guard it, and let my words be your guiding light." I believe Jesus would have revealed how uniquely he designed our differences as men and women. How beautiful the creation of women is, not to be hidden, but not paraded either. I believe He would affirm men and remind them of the wild warrior within them, designed to protect, not pervert, what God created. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

Have you been defensive against the voice of God that has been convicting you of living a holy life in certain areas, but because of your hard heart, you've been resistant to His correction? Or perhaps there is a condemning voice that is not from God, that has been tormenting you because of your religious trauma, and in response, you have been rebelling against God. My prayer for you today is that the healing presence of God overwhelms you as the voice of the accuser melts away and His loving kindness draws you close. As you quiet yourself, listen to His voice remind you of His grace.