Keeping It on LockdownSample

LIES PURITY CULTURE TOLD YOU

If you grew up in the 90s and were of the Christian faith, there was a massive movement called the Purity Movement that spread a message to inspire young people to save sex for marriage. While the heart and intention behind it were good, the tone of this message was driven by a narrative of shame and guilt that leveraged fear as the incentive for remaining abstinent. We were told, "Save sex for marriage, and God will bless you with mind-blowing sex," and "If you stay a virgin until you're married, you won't have any problems." Many who grew up to follow these rules became tormented by shame in their sex lives, even into marriage. Many ended in divorce, and the climate of our sexual culture shifted into conforming our Christian values to the world. As a result, sexual confusion infiltrated the landscape of relationships, causing more damage to our belief about purity.

I know many have experienced trauma from this movement and, in their deconstruction process, have thrown out the baby with the bath water. “Virginity is a social construct,” “Abstinence is a colonizing tool to control,” and“Pre-marital sex doesn’t exist if you don’t get married.” Ok, ok, let's put the picketing signs down for just a moment and take ownership of our youthful innocence & ethos of belief. WE ALL have embraced a belief in life that, for a time, served us and later became unhealthy. Not to diminish the real pain and experiences, but as someone who endured through the muck, I'm standing up, drawing a line in the sand, and waving a white flag for my generation. It's time we quit blaming others and using the past as an excuse for our lack of taking ownership of our healing process.

We can all agree that the pendulum has swung from one extreme to the other. But are we allowing our trauma to inform our beliefs only to revictimize ourselves and self-sabotage our futures? Or are we going to take a proactive approach, look at things from a holistic vantage point, and heal from our past so we can live a fulfilling life? I hope you choose the latter, and I hope that if this has been your experience, you dive deeper into the healing process.

Nevertheless, I want to leave you with a few thoughts to ponder: God is not the author of your shame. Purity is not defined by virginity. Sexual wholeness is not doing everything BUT ‘sticking it in.’ Purity is a process of pursuing holiness in ALL areas. If you struggle with shame/guilt and are married or are afraid of carrying that into marriage, I want you to know that God's heart breaks for you. He longs to heal your sexual identity and intimate life.

If there's one word that could accurately sum up the spiritual condition of those who lived through the purity movement, that word would be offense.There is a spirit of offense that has caused the hearts of believers to grow cold, critical, and condemning towards God, the church, and anyone who promotes the beautiful life of obedience in our sexuality. "That's, like, so legalistic and religious to save sex for marriage." I can hear the sizzling fumes of anger in this statement. But the root of it is offense. The dictionary definition of offense is annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult to or disregard for oneself or one's standards or principles.The action of attacking someone or something.

I like the clarity of this definition because it helps us realize what's happening on the inside of us subconsciously. When the topic of purity culture or reserving sex for marriage comes up, do you feel attacked? Do you feel resentful of certain people or experiences you've gone through? At the root of offense is unforgiveness. Are you harboring unforgiveness towards a pastor, leader, or the Church? This offense is hidden like a cancer in our bones. But it spreads rapidly through our belief system & will eventually surface in our lifestyle. Jesus said in Matthew 6:15, "If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." In the original Greek translation of the word 'trespasses,'it is also translated as 'offense.'

I don't know about you, but I want to be forgiven by God. In this scripture, Jesus isn't asking us to do God a favor so he can let us off the hook & forgive us. No, He's warning us about the spirit of offense & bringing to light the eternal significance of how self-inflicting our resentment and offense is.We are harboring death in our hearts when we hold onto offense and hurt ourselves in the process.

So what are we to do? How are we to begin the healing journey and release this offense? It begins with repentance, confessing our sins, and asking God to help us love those who offended us. Forgiving them doesn't mean we are condoning their actions or justifying the trauma. But it does mean we are releasing ourselves as judge over their life and holding this resentment against them. I believe a great miracle will happen in your heart as you do this, and I pray it marks you on your healing journey for the rest of your life.