Love, Intimacy and Sex in the Second Half of Marriage: Part 3 - SEXSample

Making It Happen

Yesterday we talked about finding your “normal” when it comes to frequency. Now comes the issue of making your “normal” happen. When does it happen? Where does it happen? Are there any obstacles? Should sex be spontaneous or scheduled?

If Nancy and I decide that for the season we are in sex twice a week is to be our normal, then we need to talk about when or where. Otherwise, a week may pass with no sex, which could be frustrating for both of us, especially after all the work we put into getting to this point. For example, if we decide on two times a week, does that mean once during the week and once on the weekend? Or both times on the weekend? Morning or evening? Or some other plan? Is it all to be spontaneous, or do we need to do some planning?

The Song of Solomon is full of verses celebrating romantic and sexual love in marriage, and even when and where it might happen. In Song of Solomon 7:10-12, we see Solomon’s wife plan an overnight trip. As they go to the vineyards, she will give him her love if the blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. She is making a plan to enjoy their sex life together!

Let’s switch from quantity to quality. If you are having sex every day but there is no quality to it, what have you accomplished? What have you missed out on? Let’s look at what quality means.

First, when we talk about quality sex, how do we define quality? Here’s my definition: quality means that both spouses enjoy the experience. The key here is knowing what the word “enjoy” means to each of you. In the Bible, we see Solomon time and time again focusing on his wife and her beauty. In chapter 7:6-7, he says, "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters." There is attraction, there is enjoyment of each other’s physical attributes, and there is romance and closeness.

Even if a woman doesn’t have an orgasm every time, it does not mean that she does not enjoy the experience; it still feels good and she may love the closeness, attention and intimacy. As a guy, we want to please our wives, but guys, you have not failed if your wife does not have an orgasm. So communicate.

Find out what makes sex quality for each of you. Ask him. Ask her. Work together to have quality sex each time you make your “normal” happen.

Things To Think About

• How do you each define quality sex?
• What is most important to you in sex?
• Is having an orgasm every time important to each of you?
• Depending on how you answered that last question, what would help?