Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ~ “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

Can you see how the instruction and training of our children should be the most prominent feature of our lives? Anywhere we ever find ourselves together, those are all opportunities to raise them up in godliness. Competence is necessary; consistency is key.

Even when they ask you the hard questions, those become occasions to grow together. Your willingness to look for answers right alongside them will only serve to engender deeper trust in your relationship. Children always have a sense for authenticity. You don’t have to know everything right away. You simply have to be available to them.

Speak of These Things: Becoming the Primary and Exclusive Sex Educators of Your Children

Your children are hard-wired to look to you for affirmation and guidance. You are the primary vessel of wisdom for their developing worldview and sense of identity. Accordingly, if there is any kind of a vacuum in your home regarding instruction and influence, then they will find other resources to fill those gaps in their imagination. And their understanding of sexuality is no exception to this rule.

Kids and teens are like magnets for meaning. From the start, your presence in their lives represents the very strongest natural attractant. Yet whenever any of the “big questions” remain neglected in the home, your children cannot help but to fill those hollow places in their minds with whatever else they find accessible. When it comes to their sexual curiosities, the prevalence and availability of pornography become the next ready-made enticement for their natural appetites.

This becomes the worst possible arrangement, that their sexual template would be filled in by an industry that celebrates violence, exaggerates unreasonable expectations, and destabilizes genuine emotional connectivity in sexual relationships. Not to mention there is little in the way of relationship as portrayed through pornography. Through that lens, people become mere commodities for pleasure. Yet even that outlet is unsustainable. Men and women are becoming increasingly incapable of normal sexual functionality.

Among the skewed perceptions your child would inherit from pornography: rape culture, subjugation of women, glorification of abuse, exploitation of minors, and standardization of meaningless sex. These are the common lessons learned from a body’s habituation to pornography. It’s no wonder these horrendous things identify so much of our culture.

The good news is that you are perfectly poised to show them a better way! Through your steady influence, they will learn to appreciate their own bodies in the best possible scenario. God has made them good just the way they are. They only need proper guidance to show them the good path. And you are the only person qualified to inhabit that authority in their lives. Just remember: if you do not sit in that seat, then someone else surely will. The consequences of your not being there can only be devastating.

Observe in the passage from Deuteronomy how we are meant to cultivate regular and ongoing dialogue with our children. Our homes should be permeated with this atmosphere of conversation. The Sex Talk should be normal, comfortable, and readily discussed.

Begin the Conversation

Begin to normalize the topic together: At some point, hopefully sooner than later, you simply have to begin. Awkwardness is always the price of admission to new practices. What you do not initiate with your children, someone else will.

Ask whether they have seen pornography previously: Depending on their age and how much engagement you have had with your child up to this point, there’s a good chance they have already been exposed to pornography. Disheartening as this is, it is nonetheless true. But the space can be recovered. However, there won’t be any recovery without your activity.

Determine whether they have ever been touched inappropriately: Yet another commonplace tragedy is how often children are sexually abused, molested or harassed. Statistically, it is almost always someone that they know – close friends and family members. Very often, they are shamed by their abuser not to speak of it. Your gentle presence and insistence that they can trust you might just save the rest of their lives.

Talk about the good things in sexuality: The Sex Talk isn’t about what to avoid nearly as much as it is about what to pursue. God made sex; He made male and female; He made the union of marriage; He made and keeps making babies through our togetherness. All of this is very good! Celebrate the goodness of creation and the gift of sex as you steward your children down the path of sexual integrity.

Continue to practice: It’s okay if the first talk isn’t amazing. For that matter, it’s all right if the fifth talk isn’t amazing. The main thing is to keep at it. You will get better; they will trust you. The right verbal connectivity between you will continue to refine over time.

Pray

• Ask God for wisdom, insight, discernment, and discretion.
• Ask God for apparent opportunities to initiate the conversation with your children.
• In quiet contemplation before Him, see what He brings to mind when you simply consider your children in prayer.