When a Couple Loses a Baby: a Man's PerspectiveSample

Struggle # 4: I felt inadequate.

During my season of loss, I felt inadequate in my ability to empathize with Ashley. I knew I hurt, but since I couldn’t understand the feelings of loss that she faced because of carrying the baby inside her body, I was silent too often.

I also felt inadequate to navigate the medical implications of the loss. The appointments and decisions that needed to be made at the time were overwhelming.

Looking back, perhaps feeling inadequate was ok, normal. Our wives don’t always need us to fix things; they need us to be present and work through life as it comes.

I found that during that time, it was ok to let Ashley know how I felt. I also found comfort in telling God that I felt inadequate. The thing is, they both already knew before I told them. But I still needed to tell them.

In Psalms 13:2, David shares his struggle to overcome his negative thoughts: “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?”

If you want to reduce the sadness your wife feels, it may not seem wise to share your own grief. But the truth is, by withholding your feelings, you will likely create distance when you both need closeness. In fact, when we suffer alone, shame seems to appear. But empathy has a way of chasing away shame.

It’s likely that your wife feels a bit alone in her grief. If you share that you’re sad, something might quietly light up inside her: a feeling that her sadness is normal. Also, she may experience less shame for her suffering.

If we are silent, we may inadvertently create an appearance of apathy when that’s not how we truly feel. Your wife needs empathy. You need empathy. You’re hurting, too, and it’s ok to express the hurt.

God,

I don’t want to find my worth in how well I can fix things. Show me how to draw close to You, my wife and Your wisdom during times of loss.

Amen.