Spouse, Not Opponent

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1

Growing a 2-as-1 marriage requires treating each other with respect and kindness even when you don’t feel like it. We always hurt the ones we love is a cliché, but it is so because there’s truth in it.

This doesn’t make it right, but because we’re close and connected, it’s easiest to lash out without fearing greater consequences as might be found from a stranger.

Building a solid relationship where affirmation and uplifting are the core foundation takes effort. For most of us it doesn’t come naturally, so learning to fight fair is a great place to start. Here are a few ways to make sure you don’t turn your spouse into your opponent. 

1. Start your sentences with “I” instead of “You” — “I feel frustrated when we’re late” is easier to hear than “You always make us late.” 
2. Keep your fighting away from your kids — unless you model how to resolve it in front of them. 
3. Stay clear of “character assassination” — don’t assign negative labels to each other (e.g., “You’re so lazy”). 
4. If you need a timeout, take it — but agree on when you’ll come back. 
5. Avoid expressing contempt by rolling your eyes or being sarcastic — it’s toxic to your relationship.

CALL TO ACTION:

Many of us are used to taking statements or paying particular attention to what others say and how they say it. It’s no different when we’re married, except that we’re the ones who usually fail to pay attention to our own words. 

Try adding these 5 tips to your daily process, and open yourself up to the potential of improving your relationship by including positive words of affirmation. Even if you have to start by sending yourself a text each day to say, “Compliment him/her on their...” It’ll launch a pattern of uplifting communication that helps you both become more willing to talk openly.