Aftershock - Take Care of YourselfSample

Exit the Merry-Go-Around

You’ve already been through a lot of discussions with your husband where you hear yourself repeating the same phrases, reminders, and warnings over and over. You’ve hopped on a merry-go-round that goes nowhere. There is no resolution.

You and your husband are caught in a pattern that has both of you spinning in circles. The process of ending that fruitless pattern can begin with you.

Step off that merry-go-round and don’t hop back on. Your husband may resist your attempts to alter course, but you don’t have to give up in defeat. Instead of repeating the same dizzying patterns, briefly speak to your husband in a way that might sound something like this:

“I know the last time I chose to say something about my desire for us to get counseling, it turned out to be an unpleasant conversation. I’m not seeking to repeat that. But I do owe it to you and myself to be fully truthful and authentic about the fact that I’m still uncomfortable and concerned about harmful patterns to our marriage. I also think it’s right for me to feel this kind of concern. So, I’m making a clear request for you to join me in a counseling appointment I’ve set up. I made this appointment to begin to learn how to work through our relationship.

“Whether you take part or not, however, is fully up to you, and I recognize that. I want to learn how to face these issues differently and create change, preferably with you alongside me. Either way, I’m committed to talking with someone who can offer support and insight, because I desperately want and need it, and I think our marriage does too.

“This is my plan, and I want you to join me. The appointment is already set, and I wanted you to know about my decision. I also want to give you the chance to make your own decision. I love you, I love me, and I value our marriage enough to act.”

You’ll notice the I-based language in this example. This approach in sharing your own plan and request will help you keep from hopping on the same spinning merry-go-round.

Next, we’ll look at step six to self-care: stop clinging.