Thrive: Building Stronger Marriages . . . TogetherSample

Work on You First

How many times have you said, “If only he would…” or “If only she would…”? Working on our spouses may be our instinctive approach to working on our marriages, but it isn’t effective. 

We tend to judge our own shortcomings less severely than the shortcomings of others—even the people we’re closest to and love the most. We love ourselves enough to believe the best about our motives but find it difficult to extend the same grace to others. 

Jesus can help you become more loving and gracious. The more you accept your need for Jesus, the more you’ll share his grace with your spouse. 

But if you don’t press forward on this character growth, your own flaws will blind you. Jesus said it best: 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. … How can you say, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:1, 4–5) 

Jesus didn’t say it was wrong to help your spouse overcome defects and flaws—to “take the speck out.” He said you can only do that effectively when you’ve dealt with your own shortcomings. Then you can see clearly to lovingly and selflessly help others deal with their faults. 

You may feel like your spouse’s flaws are log-sized, while yours are only specks. It’s possible you’re correct, but Jesus warns us not to begin there. The most effective way to change your marriage for the better is to deal with whatever is in your own eye. 

Changing your marriage begins with the choice to change yourself—not because it’s fair, but because you may be the only person in your marriage who has a vision of your marriage’s potential. You’re the one who can humble yourself; you’re the one who can put aside your pride. 

Your efforts to take God’s vision and commands seriously, seeking his help to grow beyond your faults, have the potential to influence your spouse to do the same. Over time, it’s likely your spouse will realize you’ve stopped trying to play God by orchestrating their personal improvement. The pressure will be off, and your spouse will find it easier to give you the same freedom to become the husband or wife God intended. 

With that kind of freedom and encouragement, two maturing people can’t help but create a strong, thriving marriage.