Past Present: Strengthening All RelationshipsSample

My friend Andy Hartman is a gifted psychologist who has spent thirty years helping clients unpack the negative beliefs and distortions that come from the negative inputs of their early years. He refers to these distorted beliefs as messages of the wound. . .

As we begin to explore the negative elements of our stories, it’s important to remember that this is not an exercise in blame, a chance to make excuses for our mistakes, or an opportunity to assign fault to other people or bad circumstances. Instead, as we explore this more difficult layer, our motivation is to gain insight into our past so we can expose the root of some of the unhelpful relational patterns that hinder us in adulthood. We want to equip ourselves to do our own work and grow where we need to grow. . .

Our seemingly positive inputs can sometimes contribute to negative beliefs. . .

My dad’s expectation of “hard work done right” instilled some significant positive beliefs and consequences in my brother and me, for which I am deeply grateful. Dad’s high expectations consumed an inordinate percentage of my childhood and teen hours as my brother and I helped him build a house and a barn, tended a menagerie of farm animals, worked in his many side businesses, and assisted with the heavy-duty chores on our 110-acre farm. These years of hard work taught my brother and me innumerable positive and practical skills that continue to benefit us in adulthood.

But they also left behind some negative messages. I carried into adulthood the belief that my only value to others is what I can produce for them. Another distorted message is that tasks are more important than relationships. The vocational overdrive in me has at times adversely affected my relationships. Undoubtedly, this distortion impacts my roles as a spouse and a dad. By identifying the negative beliefs (messages of the wound) I took from childhood, I’ve been able to mine the beauty of those inputs and take steps to heal the distorted beliefs they left behind. Both positive and negative inputs are plot points in our stories that have the power to cause either positive or negative consequences in our lives—and often both.