Secrets To Raising Wholehearted KidsSample

MAINTAINING CONNECTION WITH THEIR TRUE SELF

Our kids have a deep longing to know and be known, just like we do. Yet in most of our stories, fear and shame have taken root, penetrating deeply into the heart space where we were designed to know—beyond the shadow of all doubt—that we are loved. That our hearts matter. That we are worthy of being known and kept happily at the right hand of our Father in all that He does. That God delights in us profoundly, not because of what we do, but because of who we are. 

If we shut down, reject, and undermine our kids’ thoughts and feelings at a young age, they will learn from a young age that their feelings and opinions are not valid. In turn, they will quit offering an authentic version of themselves and instead adopt an outward persona that can win the applause, affection, and attention they need. As our children discern the narrow set of behaviors and outcomes that is all that is welcome and celebrated in our households, they will often adjust their outward expression to those norms. This rift between the inner life and outer reflection divides the human soul, the false self is born, and access to their true heart is lost. 

In order to thrive, the soul must be known, heard, understood, and validated. Miracles happen when a child feels heard, understood, valued, and truly known. And that transparency cannot happen when we communicate to them that only a narrow version of who they are is sufficient to make us happy. 

In order to become the kind of people who have space in our hearts to receive and relate to the dynamic stages of development and expression of our children’s hearts and character across the multiple chapters of their lives, we must release our kids from the responsibility of providing for our happiness. We must recognize that, throughout their long becoming, what they feel is valid and how they experience us is valid, quite apart from what we think. As we trade defensiveness for curiosity and rigidity for genuine listening, we will have access all along the way to our children’s true self. 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS 

1. Can you think of times you have held your kids responsible for your happiness by trying to control their feelings and opinions? 
2. Try to remember an experience as a child when your feelings and opinions were not validated. Imagine how you wish you’d been treated, and look for a way to extend that empathy, curiosity, respect, and kindness to your children this week.