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Healthy Conflict

In yesterday's article, we mentioned the Biblical mandate to confront conflict. Jesus makes it pretty clear that this mandate applies to us whether we are the offending party (Matthew 5:23-24) or the offended party (Matthew 18:15).

In this article, we'd like to give some very practical suggestions on how to manage conflict. We are not experts. The vast majority of this content is not original to us, and we'll give a list of the resources which have been most impactful for us at the end.

We titled this "Healthy Conflict" because we believe that conflict done well can be a really good thing. It has to be, otherwise, Christ would not have made sure that everyone involved in a conflict is also responsible for dealing with it. It can serve as an opportunity to both demonstrate love through confession and repentance from wrongdoing, and to grow in understanding of yourself and the person with whom you are in conflict. In what follows, we'll share some key principles for dealing with conflict in a healthy way.

Two Become One

If you've never thought about your spouse as your best friend or even part of you, start now. Marriage is not done for convenience, financial security, social expectations, or just because it feels good. Marriage is the hardest thing we've ever done, but it is also the most rewarding thing we've ever done! Just as gold is refined through fire, so we are refined by learning to love our spouse and submit to them every day. We can’t ignore one another and live separate lives. That would be like going through life with one hand tied behind your back. You and your spouse are one, so use this time, and the tips below, to begin working through your conflicts, together.

If you're not married, these principles are still for you. As Christians, we are called to submit and honor one another regardless of our marital status. The deeper friendships and richer lives that come from understanding how to handle conflict well aren't just for the married in the world, they're for everyone.  

Be Still, and Know that He is God

Your best friend has just said something that really hurt you. You feel misunderstood, maybe even attacked. You have a choice: react in the moment or pause to ground yourself in truth. Be still.

Before responding, take a moment to give the conversation to the Lord. Ask Him to help you both to speak peaceably. Ask Him to reveal anything in your own heart that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

If you don't pause before entering a conflict and it doesn't go well, don't despair. Just take the time to pause and prepare before you try to fix things.

Clarify What You Heard or Saw

We have found that sometimes our conflicts are based on a misunderstanding of what the other person said or did. Before responding, it's helpful to take time to make sure you're interpreting the other person's words or actions correctly.

You might say: "When you said that you were tired of dealing with the dishes, I interpreted that to mean that you don't think I'm contributing around the house. Is that correct?" Or, if you're following up on a hurtful action, you might say: "I have a story in my head that when you got up and left the room suddenly it was because I had done something to offend you. Is that right?" 1

A lot of the time, asking questions like these will either help you realize that there is no conflict, or that the conflict is a lot smaller than you thought it was.

Own Your 1% 

A few years ago we were at a conference and the speaker said something really profound: when you are in conflict, even if you feel that the other person is 99% responsible, you still need to be 100% responsible for your 1% of the problem.

Sometimes, owning your 1% (or whatever percentage is yours to own) means acknowledging your contribution to the conflict, like forgetting to do something your spouse asked you to do or speaking sarcastically when your friend confronted you. It might also mean owning that you hurt someone even if you didn't intend to hurt them or don't even think what you did should have caused them to feel hurt.

Other times, owning your 1% means searching your internal thoughts and feelings to see if you're bringing any emotional baggage to the conflict. Maybe what your spouse said or did reminded you of a conflict with someone from your past and the emotions from that past conflict are seeping into this present one. Maybe you feel sad because your friend hurt you, but you also feel embarrassed because you don't think you should feel sad.

The more clearly you can identify and own your parts of the conflict, the more you will have fulfilled your responsibility to live at peace with others (Romans 12:18).

Keep Calm and Describe On 

How you start a conversation has a significant impact on its trajectory. Research shows that "only 4% of conversations that begin poorly end well."2  Starting a conversation in anger might show the person you're talking to that you're angry, but they’re far more likely to understand why you're angry if you choose the harder approach of speaking in a kind, or at least subdued, tone of voice.

What you say in the conversation also has a big impact on how easy or difficult it will be for your friend or spouse to take in and accept what you have to say. Let's look at the differences between the following examples.

Ex 1: You don't care what my day was like and that's why you're always checking your phone during dinner! You couldn't even wait until later, could you?

Ex 2: When you check your phone during dinner, that makes me feel like you don't want to hear about my day or spend time with me. Could you wait until after we finish eating to look? 

Hopefully, you recognize that Example 1 conveys a judgmental certainty about the situation as well as a condemning attitude towards the other person. There's no opportunity for building up.

Example 2, however, describes an objective behavior and then shares the subjective impact of that behavior. There is no accusation. The speaker even gives a suggestion for how to move forward.

Everyone's internal thoughts and feelings are different. The more each party in a conflict can both communicate their internal workings effectively, as well as acknowledge, understand, and care for those of the other person, the better that conflict will go.

Concluding Thoughts

Conflict is rarely easy, but, with work and the grace of the Holy Spirit, it can be good. If you don't engage in conflict in a healthy way right now, don't give up. The Lord never calls us to something without equipping us. Keep learning, practicing, and leaning into Him.

By Hallie and Ben Whitmore, BICF City Church, Beijing

Resources

Here are some of the resources that have shaped our understanding and practices around conflict the most. Not all of these are written from a Christian perspective or even by Christians, but we have found most, if not all, of their recommendations to be in line with Biblical principles.

Books:  

The Bible – We especially recommend 1 Corinthians 13, Colossians 3, Ephesians 4, and Philippians 4.

The Peacemaker by Ken Sande – This book on Biblical peacemaking includes both in-depth analyses of the principles behind peacemaking as well as practical questions to help the reader process conflict.

Emotional Intelligence by Travis Bradberry – This easy to read book explains different strategies for engaging with others in a more observant and fruitful way.

Apps: 

Lasting – this paid relationship counseling app seeks to provide couples with the best relationship research and a safe space to grow in relationships. We've used it over a year and have found it can spark fresh conversations with one another. You can follow Lasting on Facebook to get a free taste of the kind of advice they share.

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1 This phrase originated with Brene Brown. 

2 Lasting Facebook post on Jan 28, 2020.