Ernie Haase & Signature Sound - 11 Days & Ways To Have A Merry ChristmasSample

Sometimes I Wonder

For my family, December 2017 was like the C.S. Lewis quote from his classic book The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe: “Always winter, never Christmas.”

On December 9, my sister-in-law, Tara Younce, went to the Akron City emergency room with what we thought was appendicitis.  Out of nowhere her side started hurting her.  They ran a few tests and quickly decided it was not her appendix.  After a few more days of testing, they said the C word.  Her whole upper GI system was full of cancer. 

How could this be?  She had been so healthy and full of life.  What are our options?  The doctor shook his head and humbly said, “I’m sorry, there is nothing we can do.  All we can do is make her as comfortable as possible.” 

In shock and dismay, we started praying right away.  We had thousands of people praying.  But three weeks later, on December 31, Tara slipped into heaven at age 42. 

Lisa,; her older sister Gina; Gina’s husband, Rick; and I spent three weeks at the Cleveland Clinic keeping watch over Tara night and day. 

For those last few days, she was completely sedated.  Her final journey was happening before our eyes and all we could do was pray, watch, and cry. 

“Sometimes I Wonder” is more than a song on a Christmas record. It is a mix of stories of heartache that we have lived. 

My co-writer and friend Joel Lindsey once told me that his mother was afraid of storms.  He would wonder if heaven has eased her mind.

My father-in-law (Tara’s dad) George Younce told us right before he slipped into eternity, “I’m not afraid to go. I just don’t want to leave you behind.”  Sometimes I wonder if he sees how our family is still trusting God and staying together in faith.  I wonder if he then thanks the Father for how He has shepherded us through this valley of death and heartache.

It is OK to wonder. I fully believe it is. We are following the pattern of our Lord and Master. 

Even though Jesus was perfect and knew full well why He came to earth, He still asked, “Why?”  From the cross He cried out, “My God, My God, WHY!  Why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)

I find it comforting to know that we can ask questions without fear. 

Scriptures tell us to come boldly to the throne of grace. (Hebrews 4:16) And in 1 Peter 5:7, we are encouraged to “Cast every care upon the Lord.” Why? “Because He cares for us.”

The eternal Christ came as a man and we call him Jesus.  He is Savior, Emmanuel, which means “God Is With Us!”

We serve a God who knows our hurt, knows our affliction, and knows our questions. 

On the cross Jesus, who knew no sin, became our sin. The Son of God who always spoke to his Father as Father experienced separation for the first time and cried out, “My God, my God!”

He became separated, so we could be saved.

He was ridiculed, so we could be redeemed.

He was mocked and beaten, so we could find mercy and comfort.

He saw His Father turn His back on Him so that we could have the face of God turned toward us.

He cried out “why” so we can cry out "why" too and be comforted. 

In the final hours of Tara’s life we prayed a new prayer.  I remember like it was yesterday: 

Lord, we know You feel our pain.  We know You cried at the death of a friend.  We know You could look Tara’s way, and with one glance she would be up walking her dogs tonight.  But Lord, if you don’t, we praise you!  We trust you!  You’ve been so good to us.  And we thank You for the comfort we feel right now.  Even though our hearts feel like they’re being ripped out of our chests, we know You are here; and we give Tara to You.  Tenderly take her home.  We let her go into Your eternal care.  Amen.

It was just a few hours later that our Father did take her home. 

We still have questions.  Some of those questions still eat at our minds.  But one question has been answered in our hearts: our God is a Father who cares!  We knew it in our minds and now we know it in our hearts. 

You, too, can know the peace that passes all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) 

I can’t convince you.  No one can.  All anyone can do is guide you to a place where the Spirit of the living God makes it real to you.  It’s not always the good times that lead and guide us to the Father.  It is the hard times, the hurt, the mistakes we make – that is when we finally wake up and realize that we are not in control and that we then see our need of a Savior.  You will either fall into His loving embrace, letting Him put the pieces of your life back together and make something beautiful, or keep going it on your own.  Your trust in a career, relationship, good looks, and charm to make you feel secure will eventually betray you.  One by one, those props will be kicked out from underneath you.  Our Father cares too much to allow you to stay in that false self.  Sometimes I wonder – but I always wonder to Him.  Stop wondering away from Him.  Come home.