4 Habits Of A Joy-Filled Marriage - A 6-Day Devotional Sample

   

Habit 2: 

Listen for Emotion

What does it mean to be “quick to hear”? James meant much more than having your brain receive and interpret sound waves as they travel in your direction. Listening goes much deeper than being able to recite back the words you heard. 

Much like our marriages, God has created our brain with two sides that work together as one. Each half serves an important role to keep the brain working together in unity. The left hemisphere is more analytical, verbal and logical while the right hemisphere is primarily nonverbal, and the right side is home to the emotion control center of the brain. Those of us who are analytical and logical, what we call, “left-brain” people, tend to listen for problems. Those who are emotional and intuitive are what we refer to as “right-brain” people who often listen for emotions. In a classic (fictitious) left-brain conversation, Anne tells her husband Tom about something important while he reads the newspaper, keeps tabs on the TV in the background, and eats his breakfast. At some point, Anne explodes, “Are you even listening to me? I feel like I’m talking to the wall!” At this, Tom calmly lowers his paper and, with a feeling of triumph, repeats back to her every word she just said. Anne is mystified but not really comforted. The reason Tom can do this is because he is listening to his wife with the problem-solving, left side of his brain. What he is not doing is tuning in to her by looking his wife in the eyes and listening for the emotions being expressed.

I have found that one of the most helpful pieces of advice for left-brain dominant people is to learn how to listen for emotions and not just problems. This helps keep your relational engine engaged. A woman approached me at a recent conference and asked, “What are emotions? How can I listen for emotions if I don’t know what they are or how to identify them?” She went on to explain that she had spent her whole life managing relationships, doing damage control, and avoiding most emotions. 

To “hear” your spouse, you need to listen for the emotion they are feeling as well as the words they are speaking. As you listen, slow your own speech. Wait until your spouse is finished. 

Validation and Comfort 15 MIN

Validation looks at how big the negative emotion is in your partner, and you say what you see and hear. We stay tender toward each other’s weaknesses. As Marcus said earlier, the caution here is not to try and fix our spouse; rather, join him or her in the feelings.

Validation = I see you are bothered about this problem. This is very upsetting for you!

Comfort = I am glad I can be here with you. What can you find in this situation to feel thankful for?

1. Start by sharing a few highlights from your day. This step warms up your brain’s relational circuits.  2 MIN

2. Next, pick a recent situation that was difficult or intimidating for you, but keep it at a moderate level of emotion so it’s not too intense. Take turns sharing your story with your spouse. (Avoid discussing upsetting moments with your spouse when you first try this exercise.)  2 MIN

EXAMPLE: My boss at work ignored me today when I tried to talk with her about my concern. I felt hurt and minimized.

3. When you hear your spouse share the situation, respond by validating the emotion (say what you see and hear), then offer comfort, highlighting something to appreciate in the midst of the emotions.  1 MIN

EXAMPLE: I can see this really bothered you. I would be hurt by this as well! (Validation) I am glad you shared this with me. Thankfully, Mike was there to encourage you afterwards. What else can you think of to appreciate? (Comfort)

4. When you both finish, talk about how this exercise felt for you.  2 MIN

5. Now it is time to shift gears with a bit of joy. Take 30 seconds to remember the highlights from your day, then sit across from each other knee to knee while you hold hands. Without using words, practice eye smiles. Look at each other with warm smiles, joy, and love, then  look away to rest. (You can play music if you like.)  3 MIN

6. Next, take turns sharing three qualities you admire in your spouse.  3 MIN

7. Close with quiet cuddling and resting together.  2 MIN