Infidelity: How to Face the CrisisSample

CREATE A CRISIS

If your unfaithful spouse proves steadfastly unrepentant, or if he or she adamantly and persistently refuses to cooperate, it might be a good idea to draw in a couple of close friends, or perhaps a church elder or pastor, to whose pleas and advice he or she might be inclined to listen. Often it is necessary to do a more formal intervention, where several people show up to confront the offending spouse at a designated time without his or her foreknowledge. This formal intervention should not be confused with that of individual people confronting your spouse over time. Prayerfully consider who these people might be and meet with them together ahead of time so that you can explain your situation and provide them with the important facts. These strategies will have two important effects: 1) they will give your spouse an opportunity to hear another viewpoint — the viewpoint of an objective observer — on your mate’s sin pattern; and 2) they will demonstrate to your spouse that you are not alone in the stance you’ve taken.

If this fails to achieve the desired results, you may need to create a crisis by giving your spouse an ultimatum. Say something like, “Either you end the affair and we get counseling together, or you will have to look for other living accommodations until you’re ready to help resolve the problem.”

A temporary, therapeutic separation may be what it takes to open his or her eyes to the seriousness of the situation and to stimulate some badly needed self-examination. It’s best if you can convince your wayward mate to move out — that way there’s no need to disrupt your routine or upset your children any more than is absolutely necessary. If he or she won’t cooperate, you may have no choice but to pack up and leave, but you’ll want to make sure that your support system is in place, that people are praying for you, and that you actually have a place to stay — the home of a friend, family member, or neighbor — before taking that step.

Layout your plans, line up your resources and make your arrangements prior to packing your bags and walking out the door. Do not wait until you are emotionally out of control and run the risk of making a snap decision that you will later regret. Then put the entire matter in God’s hands and trust Him to work things out according to His sovereign plan. Let your spouse know where you can be contacted and make it clear that you will be ready to resume negotiations as soon as he or she is willing to reciprocate.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s website, or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).