Infidelity: How to Face the CrisisSample

CONFRONT HONESTLY

Once you’re certain that your spouse really has been involved in an affair, and when you feel confident that you have the details of the story straight, you should proceed to the next stage: direct confrontation. It’s vital that you be firm in your convictions and clear where you stand before taking this step. That’s because you need to meet this challenge from a position of strength and self-assurance.

When you’re ready, arrange a time to sit down and talk with your spouse. Choose a private meeting-place where you know you won’t be interrupted. Approach the subject honestly and straightforwardly. The crisis in your marriage is emotionally charged, but stay calm and cool. In order to achieve this, most people need to write out what they are going to say. Always pray first and ask God to give you a grace-filled, but assertive message. Don’t whine, wheedle, beg, threat, or plead. Instead, inform your spouse in clear and carefully measured language that you’re aware of what’s been going on. Explain that you’re weighing your options and making some plans of your own (you don’t have to reveal what those plans are at this point). Say something like, “I’ve sought out Christian counsel about the best way to handle this situation, and I want you to know that I’m working my way towards a solution.”

You should also give your spouse an opportunity to voice his or her thoughts on the matter. Ask some pointed questions, such as, “Are you still standing at a crossroads? Do you want to pursue your relationship with this other person, or are you willing to give it up and start rebuilding our marriage with outside help?” Make it clear that a decision of some kind has to be made and that there can be no two ways about it. Say, “If you’ll commit yourself to work with me, I’ll do my best to work with you. But things can’t go on the way they’ve been.” It’s critical that you assign a deadline for this decision, otherwise you may be waiting weeks or months for an answer. Do not wait indefinitely as this will communicate a lack of conviction on your part about the seriousness of the breach of trust.

If you haven’t received an answer by the specified date, bear in mind that “no decision is a decision” and begin moving forward with your plans as God directs you.

As mentioned previously, one of the best things you can do is to set up an appointment with a Christian marriage counselor. It would be a good idea for you to meet with the counselor before bringing your spouse into the mix. That will give you a chance to get your facts straight, sort out your own emotions, and settle on a plan that will enable you to confront your spouse with wisdom and from a position of strength.

After that, you can invite your spouse to become part of the process. Say something like, “I’ve arranged to see a therapist, and I sincerely hope you’ll come with me.” If you encounter opposition, continue in counseling on your own. But let your spouse know that, if that’s the way it’s going to be, you will have to consider the possibility of taking “more serious measures.”