Connection KillersSample

Day 2: Stonewalling

Where apathy is a passive shutdown of feelings that we need to uncover the cause of, stonewalling is a feeling to actively shut down and block all communication. This disconnection creates an impenetrable barrier that tells people, “I’m sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable and has not set up their mailbox.” 

Stonewalling can be as obvious as a hand up with palm out, indicating “I’m done,” or as subtle as turning or walking away. Some people will suddenly become preoccupied or frigid, while others may just become busy doing something else. Whatever the evasive maneuver is, if you feel like you can’t get any open communication, then there is a good chance you’re getting stonewalled. 

Why do we shut down and disconnect from others? Here are just a few reasons: 

1. When we become overwhelmed physically or mentally, it’s easy to want to shut things off to prevent any more of a load to carry. 

2. Our emotions can become so intense that they override our ability to think and communicate. 

3. We are simply uncomfortable or unskilled with the topic and choose not to engage. 

4. We fear that opening the lines of communication will lead to a road we are not prepared or willing to travel. 

5. An underlying issue causes us to want to dismiss or minimize others. 

If any of the above five reasons hit home or you experience them when dealing with a particular person, then here are some tips to help get through that wall. The first tip: you can’t break through the wall! The wall is an active attempt to block communication, so it takes an active commitment from the same person blocking to also take it down. You can’t take it down for them. The best course of action is to agree to take a break for at least thirty minutes and try for a commitment for a time to revisit. 

If you are the stonewaller, then during the break, take a walk, do some yoga, or meditate to clear your mind from the feelings that caused you to shut down. Take some deep breaths and reframe the situation. For example, if you feel someone is attacking your character by pointing out your weaknesses, try to see that the other person is an ally who cares enough about your relationship to voice their concern and then look for a solution that leads to growth and a positive outcome. Finally, incorporate an “I’m getting overwhelmed” word or signal to try to prevent any reoccurrences. 

One person who will never stonewall you is God. He always has the communication lines open and welcomes your prayers. You don’t need a formal request or to wait in a queue. Anytime you want to talk, he is there to listen and welcomes it. When we open our hearts and let others in, we strengthen our connections and defeat stonewalling. 

Pray:

God, help me put down the walls in my relationships so that our hearts can come through and guide our actions to connect to one another.